Wanderings

I Wonder...

And I wonder how many days
How many weeks and months and years
How many moments
How many moments more
How many infinite beats of my sad heart
I have to last
Outlasting my own needs and
desires
While I pay homage to duties.

This red aura of unrest
is a flaming halo around my neck
It's a necklace dancing my fancies till it breaks
Flowers from the garland flung everywhere
Like seeds of needing to be aware

Life stretching like the longest beach to me
At the end of my langourous days
I am weighed down with collected shells all cold and empty hollowness
But holding great beauty in emptiness
A mysterious promise
The habitats of hopes unknown
Carrying faint sounds of ocean lore
My icy eyes sting in the sand
Those are living waters touching my arid land
And I wonder
if I could drown in you
Be a flippant forward hollow shell
Thrust myself in your ferocious faith
And melt away the salty doubts in grave embrace.

I have waited visiting the longing beach
The day is old and my sun at its crest
I would be crazy not to take the plunge
Live my lifelong alloted time and take my final rest.

And I wonder if all
That my tears will allow are reminders of the heart of an
ocean inside roaring courage
To ignore the
Sea of doubt

I wonder
Will my hollow shell be left
Floating fancifully around
A mere tinsel castaway upon
the shores of wonder

To be
trampled upon
Stamped underground
To rise time and again
Like unruly dust of shelved desires
Wraiths against the wall of ruling winds
Screaming at the oceanfront of
Its hidden nature

To
Never understand my inner fire
The exactitude raging red inside my bloody brilliant rivers
The coursing destination for my irrational tears
The simplest truth is the one we fear.

The first breath was wild a gambling trust
Don't calculate and waste the last
Every life time is a leaning
Towards the 
Thrust..
A longing to leap into wanderlust.

I wonder if I'm wrong.
If the destination is an afterlife.
Or the journey is what it's all about.

Bridges we are
Between birth life death and
We mistake ourselves
As baggages
To be carried forward.

This mistake costs us dear
The price of a shoreless sea of tears.

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(c) Amrita Valan 2014