What's In a Name?

What's in a Name?

I think I have never been as hurt

As when laughter painted

On graphic lips caricatured

My dreams.

By each hapless acceptance

Of cruelty ladled out in measured doses 

By one I thought was still my friend.

It hurt then; I cannot define absorbed pain. 

Inked mockery of a name I called, then

Stonewalled. All secrecy in vain.

Is there anything at all to even hold?

Call sacred, intimate, my very own?

I threw erratic thoughts to the wind 

But kept one hidden deep in my bones. 

An inner brew, bewitching me,

A magic elixir...cupping my breath

Comforting blanketing name evoked

Something safe and pure invoked

Like a beloved teddy bear, divine figurine

Of Lord Krishna, so serene,

I kept it inside my very breath,

Forever stood under implied wreath

Of mistletoe under a mystic arch

The portal to my hidden heart.

Sometimes by crude coda,  

A hidden jargon, lewd lexicon 

Men can violate inviolate dream.

They are shrewd, woman must be 

Labelled, if not understood. 

Who's to know whether I lie?

Whether I vilify? Who I seek?

To glorify? 

Such dreams by their nature 

Cannot be caught, in finest

Cobwebbed dreamcatcher. 

Dumbing down myself for you 

I had tried too hard

Now, as I flew, I grew

Beyond my cage, rattled,  

Fearful, shattered, split apart

Freed my shackles self-imposed. 

Trying so hard not to cry

I  cut off all ties with your earthly name

To fly forever, towards the sun, hoping,

Dreaming, kissing goodbye to tears streaming, 

To remain alone, to be just one.

Sweet love isn’t for everyone. 

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© Amrita Valan 2014