Heaven Knows

My soul needs a tourniquet tonight
I can promise not to show but I don't know how not to feel
I can forbid expression
But I cannot erase the same
You have my promise
I revoke my permission
As I know the limits of my endurance
I have no hope at all left
And the leftovers of our scanty love makes rivers of silence plentiful in my eyes
I shall reproach forever
Not you but my destiny
Why bring me near the flame
To burn my flesh
Why cut off the air supply
When I light my own little lamp?
Why traveling to ardous paths bring me to repose on dreamy bed of alluring roses when they conceal such spikes thorns nails and jagged shells?

If my conch to my  ear I put  and hear distant mysterious waves
Why secure haven's foreshores
Forever in magical encasement then forever banish that enchantment  of my reach?

And if I want with such devotion why may I not touch
your soul with my difficult music?

Indeed as your footsteps are erased by a cruel oblivious wind
And Kansas forever removes itself from my stormy doorsteps
Settling me down on Oz
Treading your gold paved path to your gold bricked heart
My resistance melted in the kiln
Of your sweet entrapment
Essence extracted with ease of sorcerer the residual substance 
Spurned impurities.
Slimy slag clawed off your heart in terror trenched off your soul though it's more alive than the extract
Though it quivering bleeds and pleads 
Watching you crawl in horror as you retreat.

Your response was adept as predetermination. ..and my own precognition.

I heard the clicking of heels and we fell apart
If only I could have touched your feet
I would've discarded magical shoes and chosen foreign shores over homeland
With disloyal betrayal
With treacherous lawlessness
With heart harder than grindstone
Brutus breast
To leave the tenderest den of helpless love...

What foreign God smelted in forges of which fierce heaven sighed
My despair
Dispersed on evening seas
This darkness can never be
Yet there is no light in thee
I could live in Hades and call it
Paradise with you
Such truth is there in worship. ..

...But my soul would bleed in paradoxes
Such parallel universes do exist indeed.

No Gods exist yet
Who can absolutes demarcate
A good that is nought
A bad that should be fought
When all is sought with honesty's ardor.
Ask
A good way to be bad
Or a bad way to be good..?
Divinity in wisdom
Left such things
For us
With "Freedom of Will"
To conclude.

Being bereft of love's divine wisdom
Feeling my soulless life flutter in satanic  suffocation
I bow in the temple of my mind
I bow in Prayer for divine guidance.
Let no other part angel part demon part judge part criminal split hairs over the good or  bad in me.
For
Its no kindness to make up my mind or decree its share  of guilt
Till I myself begin to see.

See I must someday even though my eyes now be turned to unseeing glass by lethe

For the eternal shapes of infinity are agonizingly
Slow to show
Still like our earthly deathbeds
Soon enough
They surely form..
And we get to know
The hollow depleted valleys
the hallowed elevated peaks ,
The maps of our individual mortality
Each tenuous crest
And each tortuous trough.
 
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(c) Amrita Valan 2014