Akshara: 2014

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Lower Than This I Cannot Go

You have made me feel today
Lower than the lowest low
To crave and wish for I must say
Darkens deep my brightest day
I just want you to say hello.

Months of feeling pain so supple and strong
Trying my hardest to quietly get along
Writing poetry isn't an easy choice
The lyrics come just like your haunted voice
And to sing just breaks down the song.

My love like a river gentle and slow
Never mindful which way I go
Stepping into a puddle I think an oceans depth
My foolish heart enough you've wept
this boat of leaking dreams I row.

In my eyes your sun has inglorious set
I'm standing by a creaky deserted gate
It's amiss the universe stands still at ease
People who love life abound in peace
All around me easily appeased
While I wait even though it's late.

I can no more write this lame childish plea
I cannot lament how it upsets me
Give me back my life or set me free
For I have set these tears at liberty
Taunting my own fate.

Perfection is an easy mind
A task is pleasant when it does not bind
A duty pleasure when it enhances honor
A pleasure is a charm
When it wins your favor

I have held such deeds to happiness
My muse has been soft delightful grace
Now my life is parched my throat drinks from the grave
Of thoughts undignified and far from brave

Enough for me, I brace myself
Though my space is utter loneliness
I will not seek false embrace
I return your favors
Call back your ace

My private moon....
This dream of love
and support care and respect
I can see why the cow must jump over it
The dreams of mice and men
Are circumspect...
Easily in denial....too suspect.

Your body your soul
First Doctor yourself.
Dictate your goals
Free your mind from slavery
Loving You is best...
When it's only me.

Loving is best set free from
Love's possessiveness
From badges of ownership or clubs of disgrace.

I am in love with you
and you are my dream.
That won't come true
But you're truest when
Your light shines
In the graven darkness
Of my mind.

Compose my calm
Be my sweetest balm
Behold my eyes look outside
of me
Mirror of my silenced fantasy.

I don't need a scarce dot of your luminous dot com world.
My inner numbers recite a trillion pages of a Secret You
Unfurled.

You cannot enumerate
The world I create
With the bits of you that I ideate
I cannot wish you
Into existence
We grin and bear it
On our own sides of the fence...

Burial

I am screaming oh god these are not tears my brain is in meltdown fried to cinders
Help me breathe I want to break this down to simple doable pieces
I want you to know me and like what you know.
I compose my despised compost of emotions
And see it lying
Garbage piled outside the door.

And I think i plead don't see the ugly futile words
See just my ideas please
I have no options left
You are a scream in my ugly brain
And it's not even dying down

It's going to take me down with it in a death song
Monsters laughing at my distress signals my hapless elegies
There's no sugar in my words
My brain dead from glucose exhaustion
reeling through deadly coasts
Of rock precipices of precision piercing again and again the shipwreck of my
soul .

I am writing floating my
Trash around to disgusting displays
The last remains
Of the survivor who knows no shame
But drowns integrity and honor
Clasping the caress of the name..
And you.
Hate it so.
My lifeline my octopus ink is
Squalid to you.
you don't have to douse yourself in my haemhoerage
There are writers of endearments

I am just the trashy refuse
Going out the gate.....
The oil spill that sleeks the troubled ocean
Kills the fish instead.
I am in hate with myself
and I wish to bury me dead
With the deadly devotion
I am skilled at
A bridesmaid of my hate. .

Let it Go

Let it go I let it go
The signs have told me
Let it flow

Get it away from you
It's not yours anymore
Just let it walk out of the door.

My heart is crying a crazy goodbye
My mind is willing me to lie
It isnt over just lie it low
And you'll see, it wont want to go.

Oh let go what has already gone
It's no fun when you don't belong
Its gone gone gone out of your grasp
What use then emptiness to clasp?

To your chest and hope for a chance
What went out flying
just let it dance
in the breeze and let it go
for this heart that's breaking will reveal a core

An encounter that's so much more
than one happy moment
You hold on to
Making a life out of a little me and you
It never was meant and it will not be so

It will not be so very bad .
Just let it go...
With eyes so wet and damp heart so sad
Let it go
Better to dry eyes daily
Than nurture mildew nursing hurts.

The wind was winner of the day
Took my romance and flew it away
Till you were as distant as kite
In foreign sky
And logic was lost to answer why

We met each other and we came close
Why my heart beat to your own
Why it must return and I go back
Love you till my days turn dark
Love you nights
When the skin of our skies go black
Love you dear when my breath goes slack
And now go my love
Away From me
Where you belong and forget the love that lacks
the right answers to hold you back.

Command Line

I was a soldier posted on Borderlands
I saw my duty to lay down my life
I saw much more than that
The beauty of the border lines between two civilizations, meeting in wilderness,
Meetings of death and life-
Borderlands...

Borderline beauties of the mind
As A soldier trained to obey
To set sights on targets
And see within my range
I didnt look up or down
But I kept my eyes fixed and focused on the great bull's eye.

My bullet missed the target each time I tried to out snipe the snipers out there
Keep my cross hair vision tidied and clean
The click of my safety catch
The trigger was all I heard
And the explosive bang of my bullet on target.

Forgive me that I saw so much beauty
forgive me my immortal soul
I let it all pass by;
Like a heat seeking guided missile,
I silent sought my prey,
And let life go by.

Till a stray bullet took its silver toll
And craggy shoulder spouted a bloody hole
And blue sky poured into my
Writhing wound
Warmer welcome I never found

Life rushed in as life rushed out
Mad birds sped accross skies of doubts
Chirrups thundered echoes accross dying corridors
Of shutting down brain
Eyes saw flowering crystal flakes.

I could have written your beauty too
Life this much I had owed to you
But the commanding officer in my mind
Told me to all else, must remain I Blind.

Silent deadly silver speed
My heart a bullet its lead must plead
Against the chosen heart held dear
Trigger happy ejected fears.

No love no life in a sniper wound
What border lines can you hide and defend?
The territory you seek to keep free
Is unfamiliar and unknown to
Me.

I call it my soul
The soldier may call it land
We're all patriots
With borders to defend
And that which you guard so dear
From friend or foe
Makes it a dead end of bloody woe.

Open the rose
The roads within...to
Fear the bullet the cardinal sin
Walls of watchfulness can never see
You exist deep in the heart of me.

The soldier with his heart of gold
Defended the land on which he stood
Took the bullet for which his life he sold
And the life he lost he never understood

Why then is it all to the good...
Count cost of mounting the hallowed rood
The lovely roads we tread to love
Some fall below others tread above

Don't forget to live the life you have
The deadlines and duties ordered
Weren't the ones that you're given in the streams of your holy blood.

Love the target that "you have set"
To shoot it is to target life not death.

I am a soldier of life I choose to live
On Borderlands of visions
I must pledge belief...

Command line of brain
Clear the mess within
Channel the energies of Love
To Live
And hate can never win.

Quiet Blessings

You smiled at me eyes glittering black
Your teeth were white
And thin lips of red
Sensuous curls of upturned mouth
And fine black kiss curls
Upon your noble head.
Your charcoal lashes
Against pale cheeks
Every part of your person
Was a choice I had seek
Out of imagination
But so real are you
So far from untrue
I want to overturn all
And find the truth with you.

Your satanic glint
Contains hidden amber tints
You melt ice
With honey eyes
And your cold embrace
Is dead as a mask
Upon your snowboard face.
I felt like a voracious bee
Feeding off your powerful nectarine bliss
Sweet memories of
Vaporized ease.
Now
You're pale as snow
There's a ghastly glow
Fine threadwork of veins
Blue shadows of pain
Your skin is careworn.
Your salt and pepper crown
What holds me enthralled are
Those long hands unfurled
Holding a lifetime in their grasp
Elegantly clasped
I'd like an embrace
Those hands upon my face
Yesterday's designs
Phantom moonshine
Now morsels of truth
Manna in dark woods
I'm glad of my chance
It was a dreamy dance.

We're dancers in the wood
Snow melting on two hoods
The wintry days begun
We live by kindled summer's warmth.

There's an incremental return
In the whorling patterns
Of your festive Hawaiian shirt
I feel your glittering pate
Still carries late afternoon sun
And scents of Eucalyptus and beachfront benches...
Wooden fossilized feelings
I bask like an insect glowing in morning sun with you.
Our skin is translucent the bones shine through
Brittle and brave
We are still dancing
Six feet from the grave.

Different moments
Two different people
Differential days
Indifferent understanding
under the undertaker sun
Youth of yesterday gone into voided places
Uninterrupted moments of quiet blissful feelings
We'll feed off those for our aces
My sweet partner
My dream romancer
My caregiver
Life supporter
Breath enhancer

Every day, and forever
Till the race will have been run
One of us will carry the other's ashes
Home inside an unctious urn

Oh my lover! Now hold my hand
We are quiet blessings upon each other
We are repositories captured ashes of spent feelings
Burning blazing our anxious hearts
Keeping love alive
In life's glowing embers
Reminiscent of eyes
Like coal black thunder
Hidden lights
From the Valley of the
Shadows of Death.
My dearest
Our days are numbered
The blessings are not
We count our calendars
Of approaching silence
The dates are all over.
We will bless each day spent together
One upon one.

Catacombs

Showers of gentle rain gusts of
Cool air chill outside my frozen windowpanes
I should I will I must get out more often
Step Outside my door
Where air is blessing to breathe
inbreeding no deadly germs of sun deprived depression.

It's in free and open roads
I see resilient stretches of strengthening turns and curves flow of endless possibility
Flowering into branched forks
Of fantasies.

Life doesn't grow so well
In a hothouse of passionate brooding and breeding. ..
Boredom creeps in

I wish I could visit a farm today
And see the animals living and loving the moment
Life in a living room
Is stale recycled. ...effete
Cultured growth cut off from the roots
I want to be virile
Rootstock growing from the
Ground up
The air outside is vibrant vividly diverse
The virulent mind sheds itself
Gears shift to reverse
Fear of being taken off course
Is Blown off the charts
Blown away like lungful of poison air
Conditioned viruses

This is the only way
lose it now
Get out go on
Till you outgrow old legs
And find your feet
On shaky soil
Crumbling loose inhibitions
And remodeling static expectations

The windowscreens of sepulchred
Souls need to be refreshed.

The dead mind is a sarcophagus
Vaulted necrosis of closeted catacombs of barren heartland.

Feed it sunlight rain and wind
Open up the mausoleum.
Crack the shafts of pain.

Romance

I love you
I love you
I am hapless and hopeless
And it's no use
I love you now and forever
And it's no use

Time has frozen on the wings of the butterfly
The world is succumbing jelly under my dauntless feet
I'm sinking in its sweetness my dearest
I have fallen in love
For the last time.

I'm the hummingbird's flight arrested
I'm loving you in slow motion
For eternity
Give or take an aeon
Eternity's estate is bereft of the
Property of my heart.
For who can delineate Zion?

My love is burnt blue ashes
Of my heartstrings
Still trembling to the touch of your lyre
It sings in the mystical stillness
Cascading through universal gyre.

Hear in my silenced voice strange sonic song
Barely above or below a whisper
The wind has swallowed my tomorrows
And it has swapped all my yesterdays
Well worth the exchange
My friend of friends
For I'm living
Now
In you.

I'm living a life time
In you
And I'm forever forever in
Now
Flickering like candle in the fall wind
Rising
Falling
Never dying
somehow.

This very moment I think
Contained in it
Entire existence blinks
And
The universe
In a nutshell squirreled away
in gentle prescience winks.

Perhaps I'm living
All my ordained lives up
Perhaps I'm giving
all my imperfect lives up
Just to be able to
Love you
Flawlessly
This way.

My beautiful beautiful love
Warm as Eiderdown
And soft as moss
Smaller than perspective
And vaster than thought
Lovingly I surrender
To your sweet embrace.
Surrender my story
To an Amazing Grace.

Muchos Gracias
The universe introduces
Us,
and we're two sides
Of the same
Timeless face..
Love is my last salute and song
Before dissolution
In namelessness.

Dance Track

Please excuse my excursions to every which territory my friends!
Maybe Diwali Spirits?

On the count cha cha cha
One two and lets dance
My years are numbered
Like a trance
My trackless tears
Dissolve in ears
Music trickling down my hair
..
One two cha cha cha
Change the track..
Pack it up
Speed up the dance
On the floor
frisky chance...dreams enhance
Whisk and spray....the only way
Life is Live
Freeze the tracks
If you want to die.

Thunder drums...lightning needs...beads of
Passion...sticky sweat. ..
Powdered doll"s....sugary smiles
Melts and smears after a while...

The music well it doesn't last
The dance gets much too fast
flee from the floor
The drums screaming more...
Tumbling up and down...mumbling like a clown
the horse you chose on the carousel...winks gaily at the one disdained...

Wonder if I can fall sideways in mid ride...
And land Still saddleback?

Heart beat...risen like a tide inside...
Of all the times this moment. ..
Is mere fraction of
My life...

How has it fractured my world
In smooth sinuous slide....
The world swayed and swung out of shape
Hips gliding upsetting tectonic plates
Every plane in torque topsy turvy
I have to dance this one
fast...
Make it last.
The Last One...

The waiting ends
In the waiting room. ..
The waiting game
Ends in doom.

Make up for the eternal waiting...
I am waking up limbs shaking
Making up
For a hundred years of beauty sleep..
Rising ugly
Like my worst nightmare
Like the tide
That'll do the deed
You'll never dare
Taken unaware
At the flood
Who cares baby?
I don't
I won't think now
I will sink
With
Each rise in music
bringing my needs to crescendo's brink
Desires denied
Are denials sired
The Musical
Goes mad
The stage set on fire
Dance Studio
LiveTrack
There is never any looking
Back.

Blame It On The Rains...

Intoxication

Your eyes are seeded crystals
Of frozen tears
Years laid in honeyed ice
No one looking can break the guise
Intoxication
Pierced my core
Split me with a pair of daunting eyes

Your twin hands delicate claws in fluted repose
That's held and discarded long suffering fluttering game
Easily crossed
Long slender fingers tapering off the tale in disdain
Discarding bleeding bundled bird of pain
Casting aside of an emptied emoted shell
Ritual rites of horrors in mystic dwell
In moonlit magical Mordoch orbs

Two eyes where tears could never well
Revelations never weaken the tale
The withholding breeds majestic strains...
of shrouded tease and torture in misty veils

Magnetized by the choppy sea
of moving waves
Eyes like dark hypnotic caves
My tears swimming steady in your molten gaze.

Trace the track of your gamine bones
Slivers of golden undertones
Highlight the bronzed brown
Of mannequin
You're unreal understated dream

Dreaming of you as rain rolls off my eaves
My windows stained by passions tasselled grief
I'm praying to molten silver skies
that carries leaden colors of your hidden eyes
Contain the pain and swirl back the doubtwaters
This is Adam whose ribs wifed a daughter

Born and reborn in his embrace
Could I have been without his gaze
A soul enduring an existence?

Those eyes have pinned me to my place
Fixed me in unending indolence
With a casual causal stormyness
Stone chips of chiseled sweet solace.

Hush Now!

Luke is crying as I cringe
The crystal soprano of his childish pipes shrilling into my ears
Baby I hear
Hush now!
Mamma wants to hug and kiss you too.

No! only me, mummy not him too
He hit me first
I understand my love
My little turtle dove.

At this Josh breaks down
With wails and copious tears
Maaammmaa! he hit me harder
I hear you dear.

Come on my lap baby give mamma a kiss
Put him down first!
And I think,
Pretty please
Babies are such a pernicious tease
Hushing and shooing
My totalitarian toddlers
Bends me into a mushy
wishy washy mollycoddler ...

Now at ease
Having been swiftly appeased
My troublesome two
Executes a quick switcheroo
In the wink of an eye
They sweetly bill and coo.

This is an anecdote of babies tyranny
Though I'm exhausted guess you'll find this funny.

Boy

My child and I
Hold hands in the rain
Stepping over puddles
Mising a step
Splashing into a few.

He gravely observes my comical dismay
As I survey the wet bottom of my jeans...
My shoes squelchy and soggy
My demeanor defeated
He grins toothsomely
And squeezes paws with me
And no boy has ever looked
So
Handsome.

Handing him over to his precious Florence Ma'am at school
Explaining breathlessly cause of lateness
Teacher and I exchange smiles
I catch his upturned face with a glint of smile
No flower boquet delivered to my door has been this velvety soft
As butter satiny as his sunshine.

My own
You're my son
Like sun you shone
Upon golden throne of your birth
And no music made its mark on me
As your aeroplane warbling crooning into restless nights.

My baby boy sleeps
Tossing aside blankets to dig deep inside the bedsheets
I have to uncover his face and release his smothered breath

Baby building safe wombs in his dreams
Mamma pacing the soft sepulchre of house sealed from
Inside.

Sometimes inside is all you need.
Sometimes the Insider inhabitants of the torrential heart
Makes this life a wholesome worthwhile dream.

And outside howls a temptress wind
Promising pumpkin carriages
And hesitant princes.
But at midnight sweetly kisses a prince of heart
Who knows what he wants
And that's only you.

Only you
His Mamma.

And all Wants and needs
Become united in one cherished deed.
Motherhood.

My love sleeps tight, still as a mouse
And quietly breathes
my loving living house.

The Woman

Please excuse me. I seem to write at great lengths these days... :)

She raises mountains to her cheeks
With the crystals that she weeps
And feels no shame
She climbs up peaks of brilliance
Through love's sweet resilience
And never fails to feel

Lucky as a last prayer
And happy amidst her cares
The truth can only make her dare
To raise herself.

Top it up and raise the crumbling stakes
She still has what it takes
crippled and craven she hobbles up the trail.

The sun blushes through her veil
She moves beyond the eternal pale
Her light is subtle ethereal
Yet Day itself is not more real.

The chirping crickets croon her ease
She is in her element in Nature's lease
And though she is timid
A daring moth to your candle flame
Willing to wither her wispy wings
In the spirit of the game.

A delicate bud of love upon stemming hope
Her wings of gold may turn to dust
And her tears her years may rust
away those hopes that curtail fear
But her heart and spirit still remains untouched
Seeking searching
Her soul stays pure.

She is something blue forever true
She is borrowed but forgotteb unused
She is white elephant not made to order
Eligibility beyond your claim
She will not be tamed
She remains unnamed
To equivocation.

But if you ask her
softly
Your kindness whispered
Will make her stay.

Like a stubborn iron stain
Bloodied rusted from layers of pain
Suffering won't wash away
She was annointed her penance
Sorrow cannot silence her eloquence
Or shake her brilliant smiling effervescence.

She is resigned victim
Sacrificial ritual kill
An unbroken unshaken bristling will
she calmly invites your chase
Dying a hundred deeper deaths
than many a one
Of people who
Sleepwalk to their end of days
To sleep in obsolete engraved pompous graves.

Her life is a gradual dreaming glacial haze
Her vision unsanctioned gaze
She's the shadowy face of doubt
Spurring your inclination to find her out
She is your scream suppressed
And dazed and blinded
Her laughter scorns and mourns your days

For she can laugh when she cries
Luminosity of her pellucid eyes
ciders wine and vinegar
Serrates diamond chips to glinting daggers
She can hurt you with
A whiplash of her eyes
freeze you with her baleful ice

And from virago to honey bee
She moults through mountains of your need

She can see right through
To the hurt beyond your lies
And she will stoop so that you, conquering, release your inner light

Burning Man of raining streams of shame
Shed all your tears for your hidden fears
Flashback the years of pain
For she is here and not a passing Siren
Seduction is not her game.

She kisses fire to set your soul aflame
And she is the one who will
direct your blaze
Ignite you with the grace of loving and living and making
Her
Your home and hearth,
Your fireplace.

Lightning strikes meteorite flight
Or the archetypal fight
A fixture in beholder's eyes
Demon's pawn or angel's spawn
She's both....Both...Both.
And both are one and same
A
war among unequals
to restore balance of power the games of unappeased cruel hunger.

burning bush and wailing wall
A jezebel you may mock and sell
Piece by piece in the marketplace
The carrion birds can't swallow Sati's flesh....

Ends
This trembling tale each bead of
tearful rosary

A heart in flight all her lifeto find the heart of her life.
You may capture never in your art
Her name makes lesions
In your secret parts.

Ominous shooting Star fallen wish like silver streak
Daydreamer devil
good and evil
Human
Human
Human is her uncalled name.

love's defloration non affiliation
She frames the portrait of life for you..
she is boundary and delineations
Borderlines of infinite creation
Defiant refined definitions of
Clichés and normative points of view.

Sow a hundred roses one by one
Pluck the petals kiss and burn
Scent her love in flagrant fragrant fame.
Perhaps you may
Arise, arrive
Be alive again..

More Than You Think

I love you much more than you could think
In thoughts of you
Soft blue skies flourish
Lush green earths nourish
star studded dizzy nights
Nodding giddy flowers
Spill out of my ink..

I love you
Much more than you can ever understand
And a casual stroke of my wavering wondering wand
can blossom a flourishing fairyland.
Just for you.

Fine blows the soft sand specks of time
Attaching to corners of our unwary eyes
tears of discomfort pricking
Rush of heart felt fears
Commitment the worst hated crime

But Love is like an elemental nursery rhyme
Elementary eternal it cannot not lie.
Like innocence it is full sublime
Fiercely alive it will not die.

In every age twin souls repeat
And sometimes two hearts as one will beat...

Listen....your conchshell heart and ears profound
Carry echoes of a roar....
An ocean of tears
Lamenting lost love
Perhaps you hear
the wistful sound?

Like child I lisp now in your ear
But another listens and so he will hear
Because
Love waits not in its onward assaulting flow
When love comes to you unasked
you can't afford to let it go.

For even when it's not for you
It is Love
And love just grows and grows
And grows
On you.

Love lets us show
Our inner cores to our lover
And opens a secret door
To knowing more
Of us.....Over and over and over
In spiraling circles of life ascending. ..

And
Love just moves us
Till we believe
What we already know. ..
In ourselves lies
Love's Salvation
Yes
In Love's cradled comfort
and sweet stronghold alone
We finally grow.

Gold Embossed Days

My love calls out in a triumphant shout
Flowing growing
Cast off the costs of lifeless doubts
Flowering blossoming
From painful shoot
It shouts
Life
Will bear its fruit
There is no way out.

And Iike I don't know what rejection is
I care nothing for acceptance
With my heart have I made peace
My love needs not your maintenance

And I love you knowing
Feelings flow and ebb and cease with life
But days of diamond sun and crystal breeze
remains forever to replay and please
In the heart of
the heart of life
And goes on and on in endless ceaseless waves
Days so eternally alive in simplest elegance
The universe relives them
In recurring ways
Growing to Godhood
In exponential truth
The logos of life
From me to you
And from me and you
To other lives
Unstoppable
Immortal blissful Route.

We redirect love like routers rout
Love will, like water find its level out
Paving its path from the denying stones of doubt.

Never shall die
Such days as these
These gold hued
Days emboss our shallow lives
Living
still imbued
In the depths of departed haze
when all the paltry numbered days
Of lives
Run out.

Flamed

Flamed.

I'm candle flamed in passionate darkness framed
I watch the many leaping dying tongues
Silhouettes on the walls of my mind
that stuns
Me into speaking silence.

I nurse a hurt like raging grave
Whose maw widens
And swallows my soul
In darkness
A bed of pain a nursery
Flowering this poem
Of consumption.

Take me alive the buried dead
Loving is a business blue unsaid
The sacred words
Hurtling in my head
I can never utter
Or reveal
relieve myself

It's dark in here
It's chilly cold
My mind is a mine
Would you be so bold
An excavation
Or
Annihilation
Of cold dying flames
Of
Green and gold.

I am shedding rubies
Tears and blood
Oh my silent heart
My forked tongue shall
Guard.

Laissez faire
Don't heed me dear
You may be blinded
by these acid tears.
Choked upon this changeling heart
My screams pierces the ears
Of those who cannot hear
May it stop its birth cry
Right at its start.
I
Cap it
And call it a magic trick.
Burning burning burning
Inside.
A smoking sanguine
Wick.

Weighted

My tears are heavy water
I cannot take their weight
The floor of my heart
Is lost
In the cellars of despair deep in the dungeons of doom
And disaster.

I am sinking
My thoughts are leaden knees
My love is weighted burden
Immeasurable
Measured
Drowning.

The water warbles
In curious hiss and gurgles
A choking sing song
Bittersweet sorrow
Croaking tales of Halloween
Sadness
No more tomorrows
Wish I to borrow
Half laughing half mourning
My Days of madness
Petrified dumb
Days mocking gladness

The cup runneth over
I smash the cup
The empty chalice
My emptiness
Upon your
Marble hearth.

The body's dead
The body of evidence
Points to expiry
At cutting edge
Of point of expiry
The soul released
Surveys
Insolvencies
Stringently curtails
Insurgency.

Moonlit madness
The heart is laughing
Cackling witches
In my chests are
Burning
Leavens my craven pain
With dire warning
Mottled bottled unrest...

End me now who enjoys my pain
Who knows when
Or why
We cast the die
Of life
Relived
Over and over and over
Again

Who knows
If I will be back in town again
Reborn to redeem
The lost cost of pain?

Filling spirit into the corpse of unwary flesh
Willing once again
To
Display her sordid wares
At your unruly local fair
But buyers beware!

Heed the hideous
Caveat
Of the
Heavy heart
Anchored to the rockbottom
bed of pain
At start.

Days are Flowers

My heart beats are numbered
As each day of my life
The order arranged
The flow of progress
Determined by actions
Actionable thoughts
Questionable intentions
And each bud puts out
And births a day
All my life throughout

A Day is like a flower
Which wakes
Caressed by sunny care
Each petal revels and releases my prayers
A day will not last a week a month or year
It's sun will set
A day is lifetime of a single flower.

On the floor of earth it blooms
And its sweet fragrances release
Its life and aim
is one day of ours
To bless and please

Carpe Diem whispered the flower
Live for this day this moment this hour
A day is a sweet flower on the tree of life

Live
like a flower
The Day
Replies.

( Bless this Day This sacred Day
   For It's all we can hold and
   scent and love
   And in its loving folds
   We grow to know
   The vineyards of life eternal
   A day is all we can pray for
   To find our way
   Make it the holiest prayer
   On your lips today )

Printed by Ponder Savant April 7 2021

Driven

The road ahead merged with the evening street lamps glimmering like falling stars in the fog
I was hoping sleep would come as the drive stretched interminably
Closing my eyes in vain, I prayed for drowsiness
But the soul wide eyed shut the door to sleep.

And suddenly,
The car was not grounded but aloft
Hovering
Balanced on cushions of air
Tangible bouyancy

And we were zooming through highways of heaven
Space trekking starlit corridors
I kept my eyes tightly shut in thrill
For I felt my own motion
By an act of will
We were floating Gods

Wind speed increased.
I could feel the momentum
The impetus of being a projectile
Hurtling forward in smooth buttery glide

To What?-
The strangely scary question
Gave pause
Perhaps this dreamy interlude
Preceded death
Perhaps this was
Interlocking air space
Between life and it's
End.

We will enter the following domain decreed to us
That every cell in my body
Felt
In a wave like motion
Fear surfaced
Is this the end?

And as I opened my eyes
In sudden panic
A strange reluctance
Not ready
Yet...

The End catapulted back into itself
And coiled back the tunnel syndrome I had felt..

Speeding accross the highway
Stopping at the toll booth
Paying for passage
Applying brakes shifting gears
Restart
The comic charade
Life limited unlifted
Look out for the car ahead.
We're not lifting any hitchhikers.
Driving back home on
Autopilot
Going airborne another day.

Blessing

Her tiny feet taking trouble
Traversing my little flat
My mind hears the sound of her movement
The clinking bangles
The inconsequential criss crossing the wandering around
Restless to explore her daughter's domain.
Picking up knick knacks
Exclamations at some perceived beauty
Gentle pointers and tips given.

My eight month old nest in foreign city suddenly feels blessed
And converts instantly to Home...

Long after she is gone I will remember the pit pat
Of dainty feet
Murmured admonition
The trifles of our chitchat floating through my space sifting the silence in my head
With her showered affection.

Every square inch
Where her foot trod so casually
Now
Blessed familiar ground
Made as though through sacramental rites
Safer than
Safe Haven.

Confidante

Exhausted bruised and confused.
I stopped
Enchanted disillusioned
In front of the framed photo
On the wall

To look at your divine beauty.
Compassion and something else controlled
contained
Suspended
Judgement on erring mortals

For who knows better
Than You
My confidante
How many slips there are
Between
The cup and the lip.

And how often we are swatted
At the peak of our
Proposals
Rotting in unknown files
Waiting for
Divine approval
Or disposal.

My lips curl into my mouth
In frustrated sorrow my shoulders curve and bend
To borrow a last vestige of visceral gut strength.

Lord I can't take you .
Anymore.

In suspension far above
When I need you
Idol or not
In my longing arms
Off your pedestal
Giving me a warm comforting
Hug.

My tears drained
I wipe my face and futile cheeks
Of disgrace
And you glow
With strange
Determined strength.

Infusions suffuse me
My Lord
I understand you so well now
Almost better than
You understand me.

I understand that you have faith
I can be.

See me through this one Lord
Like you always do.
Watch me get by
Like I always do.

My Lord knows the infinite probabilities of my final outcome
And he remains calm.

I agitate and prostrate
Like a dervish doll
Wanting the dice to roll in a certain way
Causing havoc in the play.

We both know
Not having
Or having it all
Is
The same difference.

We're not unhappy
with fate
Only
With ourselves.
And I'm not unhappy anymore
When you accept
That I can be.

Yes. I know
I can
Be.

Ever

Skies are thin blue skins
Sensitive hurting awareness
How coming codes for brief stay...
Going away means gone.

They were at my house for breakfast
But now at lunchtime
Every room in the house
Has become a memory
Of absence
Signifying
joyous past presence.

My parents
How they're already missing their grandsons
On their flight back home
Brings pricking tears
To my desolate eyes.
I remember wistful pretended gay smiles
Withering in emaciation.
My mouth goes awry
discarding composure.

I guess it won't be the same for quite a while
I guess my slice of sighing skies and eyes
Will mist with moisture
For some more time.

Tears are joyous release
Flow of love
For what the eyes will miss.

Towards the Fire

Towards the fire make your bow
The fire of life it calls you now
Touch your heart's deepest desire
Forge to purity in inner fire

Till burnt to ashes on sacred pyre
The foolish follies we so admire

The fire of life is a sacred ring
We push through it our lives to win
To breathe that first foul gulp of air
To win entrance to life's passing fair

suffuse your lungs witness the Light
Our very lives are paens sung to it
Dare to dazzle quench your sight.

The first light the first cache of empty air
Sets us aflame to burning blazing fire

This fire kindled the baby's lustful thrust
Immerse in it
Be what you must.

Fire your passions vow to seek
Your uttermost lofty peak to reach
Ignite shadows illuminate
Darkness, doubt and rein in fate.

Fate the steed with trailing reins
The master horseman
Shall gather it in.

The Dark world's untrodden unguarded path
hooves of light spurred by iron heart
Shall blaze a trail never looking back.

The lucky horse shoe is the one worn out.
Tread and gallop the path of doubt.
Dispel ignorance set your goal to win
not passive bliss but reach victory's inn.

Let Victory be the change of horse
That spurs you on to greater course
Lust for a life so lustrous
Burn away the dross of lust.

Beyond the maverick's muddied cause
Beyond the carnival of merry loss
What remains is truest to our
trust
The Diamond of life that cannot rust.

Toward the fire take your bow.
The fire of life that burns you now.
To mettlesome heart and mind
and loving soul
All else was fuel
to merely feed your fire
Cold compressed coal.

The Diamond shines through the cold of grief and burning cross
And it is you
through years of tears
and laughter
And the coils of mortal love
And lives hereafter
It is you
breaking upon the sandy reefs and lonesome cliffs of bitter loss.

You are
essence tried and tested
And passed anew
Through
the Fire of
Truth
Yes,
That always was
And will forever live on

The eternal spark
Of Life
Is you.

Shower

Shower of leaves on a crisp autumn day
Symphonies of sunlight beckoning poetry
Each leaf falls to a note of music
Cascades of harmony
Trailing rhapsody on bare
earthen ground.

I hear dulcet tones and divine
transformative sensations grave and refined
A Saturnal satiny final fall
A Silent drifting off to sleep
A haunting melodic lilting through rippling space
Life fallen in a heap of beauty
Rustling freedom at my feet.

Joy renders such comparisons needless
These are moments of splendor
and startling grace
Careless to hide its eager face or evade
An acceptance in carefree embrace
Of dry dessications end destinations
A once upon a lifetime of far away freshness
The lushness of hanging green accentuated by carpets of rusty browns.

Oh how I fall in love and feel and live
the lives of angels in each descent
The ground is blessed with confetti spread
Annointing the seasonal weddings of Life
And Death.

Autumn wooing white winter in
The Dark Knight winter
Courts fresh spring
Spring spritely ushers spirited summer in.
And summer sweet maiden falls in love afresh
With autumnal lingerings.

Cycles of life
Celebration of love.

I love how life melts itself in the softening breeze
How it melds and meets its end
How life in love with itself and death
Loves to tease
Eternity cycles go on
And I love
Beginnings
And
How ends begin.

Life is a good lover.
It entrances when in exit
And exiting enhances
Entrances.
Life is in love with
Making ends meet.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Bailamos

Let the rhythm take you over bailamos
I am a dancing doll
Rocking against my shadow on the wall to the rhythm
Of bailamos

I am a dainty figurine
I am the most beautiful mannequin
I am the dancing queen
With grace in my blood and bones
Grace in my face my heart my breasts

I make my hands like ocean waves
I prance like a peacock
Sway like a snake
Strut like a swan
And tap my feet I am
A puppet, a pet
A coquette, a flirt, a tease
A seductress of ease
A Helen no less.
A luxurious love goddess
An apsara in the hall of heaven
Fell
To become a geisha for a king
I am mad in my passion to please
A rag doll on a kite string
I can fly you for free
Only if it pleases me
I can bar the door
I can be the regal courtesan
Or more

I am wild with desire
I race across the floor
And leap into arms of
Imagination

I defy folklore
I open my own doors
I project no shame
I protest no pain
I boast my fame
An epicurean evermore.

I pirouette and elongate
I bend and I bow and I nearly almost break

Then I rise in my art
My dance is my spirit and
Heart
I speak to you, you and -
You only you, do not know
This silent secret dance I do.

Monday, October 13, 2014

The Illuminated God

If I could talk to God,
Dial direct,
Call him nights I cannot sleep but rise like a thirsty animal
A creature of creative instinct
for a lifegiving drink....

I would have asked him...
Dear God...
Was this world created through your grace?
Or Are you, God,
The ultimate evolutionary expression of this universe
To the point
Where universe
Becomes the spoken word
The unconcious verse
Of your concious directing
Thoughts?

If so,
If Space and Time
Are serendipitous
Accidents
Flawlessly designed
From chaos

Carved out of
Infinite Probability...

Till...
You....
Happened...

As inevitability. ...
Of infinite statistical
Possibilities

Then
Your Magnificence
Is
A Million
a trillion times
More attractive
More deserving
Of homage...
As a Lighthouse
Beckoning us all to a tower
Of Hope. ..

Not Obsequience...
Nor our efforts to reach up
Frowned upon
Like Towering Babel...

So much more
Power to your
Almighty elbow
Than
Predetermined Omnipotence. ..

If truly
You evolved...
By reaching your cosmic mind accross Time and Space
Breaching the mysteries
And curved it with the ease
Of your superlative
Illumination...

If Thought
Speeding through vaccum
Instantaneously
Serenely laughed out at
Light
As a mere. ..teenager
An immature show off
An young angel
Lucifer!

A fall forgiven
Restored to grace...

Such mercy
That begets mercy
Such love that it
Self starts
The heart of creation
Everywhere. ...
In simultaneity!

Dear God
We pray
That we also may

Wrap up this continuum
in the ease of realization
equalling
Reality.

Dear God....
Are you not telling us
This?

Rise
Son of man
Embrace light
Shake away
Illusions
Of speed....
Or need to
Either
Shock and Awe
Or humbly please.

Breathe
In...and
Out.

Release...
Realize...
Your Mind
Is
Potent Godhood
And Liberated transcends
Light.

It becomes
It's own lightning conductor...
Draining negativity...through
Effortless pulsing black holes...
Sucking out
False belief...
And remembering
Dance of cosmic dreams
At
Eternal Event Horrizons
Of Life. ..
Petrified
Present tense of
Poetry...

Then our truest
Worship
Is
Recognition.

Godhood is our
Ubiquitous
Inner Presence.

Control
Is
Obsolescence. .

I kneel then..
And worship
Thee...
extant
In dormancy...
Within the
Me...

And in the still of the
Silent night
The pulse
Of the universe thuds
Your Godhood
sounding
Conch shells
Of infinite peace...
Infinite bliss...
The supra addition
Of every number
The universe codes in
A
Certitude
Beyond
Belief
In
Cosmic unspoken
Chant.....
OM.....

Durga

It was a soft fall morning

Meltingly pliant between sun and shade

The air was a cool caress on my face

I weaved my way to make an offering

at the sanctum sanctorum of Goddess Mother

Durga.....

The golden rays caressed the bamboo platform,

A makeshift hut dressed in colourful cloth of

Blues and white.

The doorway was a darkness

That beckoned in silence,

To rest and air troubled thoughts.

Gathered my courage

Said my prayer at the altar,

Looked at her as long as I could,

golden visaged and black doe eyes,

And pouting cupids bow for lips.

Her nose stud glimmered invitations

Not motherly...

But a challenging living devotion.

Love me!

I am a challenge, a construct,

To meet every male divination

Of divinity.

I stand as ultimate weapon

Shielding the Gods and

Humanity.

Regally radiant she stood.

I bowed in devotion

Stirred up my emotions

Played with my mind awhile.

My heart was compliant,

I wasn’t defiant,

Yet I doubted the efficacy

Of mass prayer

Public show,

Published adoration.

But

In a fell moment swooping

And scooping me

The tempo of drumming

Undid me with a gaiety,

I garlanded her with

All my latent spirituality.

I felt the priests incantations

Reaching vaults of heaven.

With each resounding echo,

Of all fellow worshippers

Resonance bridged despair

And doubts.

The drummer's momentum

Accelerated

The sonorous hum of

chants

invoking her spirit,

Into new resolutions,

Personal windows of morality,

And nooks and crannies of all

Our lost inheritance.

Traditions pittance

Were filled overflowing,

Copiously Grace was bestowed

With flowers flung in abundance

At her feet...

In Beauty she adorned me.

In wealth she sated me.

In Strength she won me.

Devi....

Be Seated in my restless heart

Awhile.

Footnote: Fall is the season of worship of the mother goddess Durga and her destruction of evil in the guise of a demon, All over India, in different forms, Navratris. nine holy nights, in North India, Durga Puja in my city Calcutta and Mysore in South India....Also the victory of Lord Rama the epitome of good king over Demon king...The goddess was created and imbued with the strengths of all the male Gods when they could not defeat the demon themselves. She is the ultimate feminine icon of strength, worshipped annually in October, a bit of our Indian lore as foreground to my poem.

Baby...

My frisky babies my pesky babies
Hiding behind the sofa...
Biding their time
Leaping out at mamma
My lovely babies
My lively goblins
Mamma is also marking time...
Stay safe,
and adorable ones,
Though I keep complaining
grow up already
Take your time...
Maturing like vintage wine
To a ripe old age
Preserve the flavors of younger days
Of sunshine hiding in darkest corners...and shadows of divinity. ...in fresh hearts and minds.

Your laughter melting off the walls ...painting them creamy with delight...peeling away flakes of dirty sadness
From hidden corners of my hopeless mind
The air I breath
Is crisp with your alert eagerness...my younger days relived
My pace briskly apes your joyous haste
And every nook and cranny of my house is soft with love and delicious with abundant Innocence.

I'm bouncing on a luxurious trampoline of tons of toys
A veritable gala of untidyness
Constantly amazed!
By your untiring efficiency in making a mess....

Till bedtime...
And I am not marking time anymore
The heartbeat of my house quietens
to a whisper
And is more alive...than
Before. ....

Your relentless expectations of
Storyville...
Drive me insane...
Then...

My raucous babies...cooing and chuckling in chunks of merriment..
Gurgle pleas
"Maaammma ? Is it very laate?
Is it time to say Gooood night?
Cant you wait?"

Yes....babies....
It is Very Late!

And yes ...babies
Mamma will always wait....
If it takes an eternity
Or...more
Mammas,
They like to defy fate.

Now to bed!
And while you sleep...mamma shall spin on her wistful mental loom
Threading and looping her loving heartstrings
...hoping dreaming wishing
Praying.....
Your awesome vibrant future in.

I Am

I Am....

I am. ...torn
My tendons and ligaments of faith
Outstretched
Tender swollen
Within me is an outpouring
Dammed.
The seals...allow closure
The cracks allow memory
To relive heart hollowing
Moments
When I couldn't even ask myself
My selfishness
To offer resistance.

I am...
So happy simmering in a bubbly pool of sunshining happiness
A gladness for warmth
A just right feeling
Listening to the music of
Child talk...
Crescendos of joy rising innocence
Raised into wilderness

I am...
Vaccilations
Between necessary and real
The Reality is that I am leading this life....
Livid with fears...timidly following footsteps of expectations.
Necessity is Neverland hopes
And dreams
That won't die
Unless I go along with them
Taking me at the flood
Of my expectations
Of my own
Self.

One life.
On the floor of wayward emotions
I die.

One life.
Towards the ceilinged glass of frozen truth-
I stare
At lies.

One life.
I cannot lie.

Not on this sinking bed of beottted bottled up love
Not on the static truth that you command

I see beyond, the neat border lines of truth are wavering
Sunlight in the cracks
the lintels shake
the cornices crumbling

Walls are burning
To let light in

I am...
A body of sustainence.
A sustained cell...
A vessel of my own deliverance
In mysterious containment. ..
Choosing to let go
A certainty

That I alone
Am me.

Holding on to
A truth Invisible
Invitations
To an
Unknown me.

I am...
A glowing sigh in the libertine breeze
Weaving wistfully through
exotic leaves of faraway trees
A chanson
Sung by sunflowers in fields of glee
Saluting Troubadours marching
In wilful opposition
To marionettes of fate

I am quintessence of infinite nonchalance
Making
Stretching
Marking
Its own eternity. ..

I am...
Hopeful caring prayer...
Unashamed remorseful apology
I do my own damage control
and recovery
Everyday daring fate and snatching love out of its clutch dressed in lightness grace and honesty.

Dawn

It was a great time to wake
Barely 5 a.m and I was up
The air was cool and skies stood still and dark as I shivered on the verandah...

As I watched and listened in a drowsy haze
Vision clarified and the morning was gathered into my senses...

The birds yet to begin their chirping...
Light yet to feather the horrizon
With hope
The Sun yet to father a new day
On Earth's receptive soil.

A stillness pervaded except the sonorous sounds of prayers at some faraway mosque
Exquisite repentance and lamentations of sins to Allah
In a great surrender.

The universe seemed to resound in a turmoil of grief at so much evil...
Calmed only by tremulous submission. ..

Every relegion so brave in the surrender to piety
composure in the face of grievous injustice...

Something .....something there to learn from all of this...
A grace to be garnered to the rosary of experience

In the thistle crown of misery worn bravely lies a glorious
Wreath of victory over every abomination done...
No monstrosity beyond our forgiveness
Or His

Not by mouthing cants or words of repentance
Nor by blind submission
But a wilful belief in his greater Glory
By which we are cleansed and absolved....
To realize
Our lives are for Evermore.

Beyond this mutilating yet mitigating darkness and above all dawns...

There lies only Truth.....such a dazzling brilliant
ONE....
No one can refute or prove
And each must come to it
In his own little boat
Rowed accross the river of
Time

My mind heard a Gayatri Mantra
And my eyes saw a great cross spanning the sky with lucent stars
And slowly it whirred and swung to encompass horrizons
Darkness emanated from each angular arm and contained and controlled...as
It spun.

I think the sky was a breaking breathing light. ...
and the sun was a laughing Buddha of merriment
At the night
And
The tears glistening in my eyes.

I heard then
At that very instant of space through time
The moment my flying flimsy spaceship pierced the veil
and pieced together the mystery
The Peace of all peace

A minded whisper audible over the ionosphere
chanting hymns of praise to the Sun God
Extolling eternal destruction of evil...
Burning the Beast of Sin through Brilliance

The Language of all religions....
Are only codes
To release the syntax of their cipher to our soul...

That which was...
The Dawn of existence
Shall meet it at
Dusk...
And there'll be...

No pain.
No sorrow.
No shame.
Sin the mistake erased.
The painting made beautiful
In peaceful tranquility
Every color of the prism
Revealed
And merging in
Love's white hot Brilliance.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Childhood Friends

Childhood Friends
Thanks for sharing your days my friends
When life stretched on without an end
I never had as much fun ...,as then
How well you defined the word. ..
The meaning of friend.

I learned to live to giggle to confide
To be brave and frank.
Never to hide
You broke down my walls of shyness
With your praise and trust in me ....
Friends never any better than the ones you were to me
My beautiful childhood. ..
Is a composite
A mosaic of all of you
In my memories.

Feeling Sad

Wish to acknowledge Shelley Ajeedapoet Fowler for the line "Love is an action word".

Feeling Sad

She breaks down to the extent permitted...
Possible under the laws governing motherhood
Her helpless broods will
Brooks no interference
From hapless moods

And She
Will have none of it.
Nor will she
Brook any interference
From feel good factors or folks.

She who wants just one person's steadfast devotion and thinks
he's too fast for her.

But unlove her heart she cannot nor eclipse the inexplicable pain of loving.
And watching it go by unwanted
Is painful.

Is love ever a waste?
No it just rebounds and rejuvenates the needy
if you let it.
Love is the magnet which forever seeks North
And turns iron to itself.

And so
let it she will.
Her love is too precious
To be dumped because he trashed it.

Not to be able to lavish affection on it's object
To watch him make merry with someone else is unbearable
and should be borne
with a sense of achievement.

No pain....no easing of the rain.

No joy in self punishment....but undeniable sadness
That she wasn't worthy of that
Heart stopping soul healing moment he shared with someone else.

She won't.
Overthink love. ..
"Love is an action word"
To be shown not felt.

I will not deny you in my heart.
Just because you don't have me in yours...
And you're right my love and welcome to go astray...
If in your heart I found no place to stay...

Do not stay my love.
Make memory pungent with loss
So that when it ceases
I'll know my gain.

This is all so sad...I am feeling it.
Feeling a bit better just admitting it.

And if I swore, I guess I would say damn it.

But I don't. ...Under duress
I curse no one....
Not even myself....

Life is listening for just such words as these....to harness the the force we spent...

So Life... smiling right back at you.
I am glad to make your acquaintance at any or all cost...

And oh yes...
Life...?
Glad to have met you
Without any false pretence.

Dream

You're candy flossing my lips
Melting in the mouth of anticipation powdered
Crushes sugaring crushed hopes
Coagulating my bloodstream
Corporeal Butterflies of broken dreams
Fluttering agonies of
ecstasy in deaths ethereal and ephemeral
A turbulent ocean of disturbia... memorized dreamscape
Escaping in electric waves
At dulcet intervals
Laboriously birthing a
Fantasy life
cutting its teeth on my chewed up heart
slobbered by greed
grounded by fate
and beaten and pounded into reality...
Thin and ductile malleable sheets of
Flatbread existence.

You hack it all
Machete in your machismo
Into my latent
Masochism
And I do not lament my depths
But foment submission as rebellion
Against required and repeated obesience to other
Realities.

You make rare majestic airwaves
Tingling romance
Buzzing into my besotted senses
Signals corrupted
Old codes erased
confusing the radars
Of my bearings
Locus Standi deleted.

I watch
The ground fall from
Under my feet
That I have cut away
And I am floating in free heavens
Off tangent identities
Dreams unpaginated refreshed.

I breathe fearlessly now
Oxygen of awareness
Reckless
to live in our spell
Searching the scopes of pirated happiness
Buccaneer dreams
It comes with a price, always.

And that price was paid...
in other horrific ways
In lonesome forgotten exiled
Days.

I am bathed in the sweet Sin
Of
Believing in myself

And So help me.....
Powers that be
But do not see
The dreams of men
Demons or Gods or
UberMensch.
...

Loving You

Loving You.

I am pressing my fingers thin into my palms
My worth was reduced to your alms
I revolted feeling better to let you know
How hard it is
But I must let you go
And I am so calm so composed
To the bone
My secret terror
no one's business but
My own.
I guard my own corpse
And sing my own wake
And I still smile
Brilliantly
So that you whisper
"Fake".

Yes My smile gets put on easy
like make up
sugar icing on the cake
And No ...I don't wear love like lip gloss
My loving isn't fake.

Spears

Spears are speaking tonight
Striking flesh and releasing
Inky octopus stains

Smudged hollow eyes....
No victory
Tonight is battlefield undecided
Outlet for outcomes
Undeclared
Stack of cards reshuffled
Too many jokers in the pack
And one daredevil
Wild Card.

Stasis ignited
Pyrokinetic spearhead flashing
Steel in silvery silence

I'm a bad chess player
No premeditated moves
I cannot see the lay of the land
Beforehand
And I reveal my hand palms up trustingly.

I am not child's play...
In a meaningles world ...
I act out my pain.
Motivated method in madness....

My strength isn't spatial abstraction chartered routes
But quantum leaps
I intuit therefore
My creed is dynamic belief
Not frozen faith...

In credo deum unum
But also et pluribus unum
My motto multiplicity...
The United States of Singularity.

You cannot take away a random part of me...and choose and chop me to bite sized pieces...

Take my all or not at all
I am whole in each shred I dwell
Each part carries the entire me...like it or not

splinter the temple of the soul
With word bullets
Like splintered shards of windshields

My black eyed peas of misery will reflect back dumbly
Turn left or right
Try your might
For more favorable view
But still
I am not about you
Its me....
who you have to learn to see.

Take care. ...Those shades are cool
but they carry
Reflections of a fool who gazes at you adoringly.
The you that I have in my heart
Which you can never see.

And therein
Insulated islands of our hearts are packed with irony.

I can never see you.
And you, me.

Then let's
Keep aside our spears in the sheath
For there's tears at its tips
Gleams of my hysteria
Shadows of despair
Molten lava of unspoken desires
And unspent our love, banished
To annals of History.

Drive...A Fairytale

( Acknowledge lines from the following songs:
Lift Me Up       Bruce Springsteen
Take it Easy     Eagles
You Can Do Magic   America/ Boston)

Drive...A Fairytale

Bowing pliancy
Trees on twin roadsides
Guarding my grateful adventure
In homage to the unknown
Stretching to keyhole horrizons
The end of the road unknown.

At the world's end it seemed
The trees change character
Roadside Gods and lofty guardians
Turned to twisted stumpy dwarves and monster hands outstretched
To catch my speeding self.

Gnarled wands in withered hands of wizards
Intimidating cautioning
Guarding the secret grail.

My find is reserved
The treasure is so
By definition of the hunt.

What you seek
Is only what you find.
And what you see
Isn't
What you get.

The music mystical in the breeze
Chose itself with magical ease

And two picaro lines
Flaunted my paraded fears
To face themselves
Unmasked
Somewhere on the maze
Of the merry go round brain....

Matador your bull has charged
What's your defense?

Two lines of wreckage recovered salvaged my shell
Hoisted the sails
of shipment of dreams
Making me apt vessel.

"Lift me up"...
"For we will never be here again..."
From two different songs......
They're and have been my milestones all along
They're the trail...

At the end of the world
I found the third
It worked the charm
Close to midnight on the edge of the town.
And it dismissed thevugly spells
Then the wizards revealed my lost tale.

And it told
"You can do magic Anytime...
be Anything your heart desires...Magic"

I have pulled my rabbit out of the hat and watched the white dove
Escape.
Magic has served me well
I have never been this close to loving myself.

Pain

I don't scream out with pain anymore.
I flow with it...letting it go ...taking me along.
I watch alert observant...

I don't fight pain any more
I surrender
I commiserate
I dive in deep through as many layers
As I can...
Because I know
Somewhere hidden within the necrotic layers....
Tolerance created a pearl.

I let my pain scream and howl if it needs
If it wants drama I give it a spectacular scene
And no I am not watching from the wings anymore

I am Here I am
In the moment now
I am the wound opening up to you

And as you see me tear and claw my leaden soul
Shivering dead to the bone
At the futile scratch of nails
On metallic chest
my heart shredded with the papyrus pain
A bed of livid writes
drowning my head
The scalding thoughts decomposing my face

But -
I am not dead yet.
In mourning grieving.....
This Pain needs a soothing ride
And masters touch will break it in
tottering home
In relieved dreams.

This Pain
Demands a hearse
Pallbearers and wake
And no
I don't deny you
A State funeral
I owe you so much.

But
There's a master switch a silent whip a wand
And with a light touch and a swish and without flourish
When its dead and done
Pain and I.
We will bring the curtains down.

Pain
co creator and author
Thank you very much.

Tears Wipe Themselves

Tears wipe themselves
They refuse to shed their bliss the memes of my soul uplifted
disembodied granules hope despair joy and sorrow
unspoken unspent ocean drowning in the tea cup of continuity
Time tensed to tumbling
Moment
waterfalls
Inertia of deep freeze.

And a moment of truth
Embedded
Cold hard crystal chip
Packed wonderlore
Wobbly core
Flash frozen instances of instinctive self preservation.

Trying hard not to be dissolved
In my imminent tears
Threatening
This is not for drowning.

I will watch over this witches brew my lashes released in dreamy sleeplessness.

Quell
Quiet quotes flow...soft and ominous quartrains nursing drowsiness
Clipped couplets conjoining decisions
Setting up links and patterns
Welcome
to the establishment.

Recliner chair
Easy afternoon flow
Breezy madrigals sonnets
Thick lashes and swirls of contentment
But I watch the bubbles pop out one by one
And I am left with only me again.

And I am smiling.
Willy nilly words come in sleep.
I am not even writing.
But words are waiting to write down meticulously
drumbeats of my playful soul.
Percussive rhythms sent by ether
Great percussionist extraordinaire.
Quill them down
Now.
Nothing can kill you.
But a word
You survive
Is another world you can live on.

Cream floats icing life in soft sweet
Nothings.
frothy dissolution
Sip sweet milkshake life.
Sweet salad bowl
Existence.
Watery graves.
But send down feeler straws deep inside.
Find out
bed beneath the ocean.
Wipe away that uncouth mustache of untidiness.

The penultimate cost of tears
Is brilliant clarity.

The Night Before I Died

Have you seen your own eyes
Floating
Filled with silver yearnings captured off that moon
The wind blew so cold
The constant drizzling splattered the leaves
My unborn great grandson
May have heard it too
In my great daughter in law's womb.

I like that thought it comforts me
The new life I will never see
We shared a last song
Duet earth sang to heaven's teardrops falling.

My bed was a lonely place
And loneliness isn't absences
Of beloved dearly departeds
But presences alive in the mind
Relentless Remembrances.

The cool breeze stroked my cheeks sucked the air out of my nostrils.
My world went weak.
My blood was cold as ice and the last moon that I would see
Seemed a snowy haired woman
Waiting to get me.

I am coming my mother
My moon mother my god mother
My she devil ancestresses
My life flows out strings and tendrils to nights long black tresses.

And he screamed.
In the womb my unborn descendant dreaming saw the lonely dawn
The cold bleak dawn
Another rainy morn
And a lonely line of his tearful
Elders
Paying respects.

I surveyed my room.
As space and time flying out of my reach.
My hands felt my bed
And the rosary slipped
The beads tightlipped
Clattering
Two hands prayed
God lift thine
And Hold mine
Show me where I'm going instead.

My nails crescent white moons
Glowed.
They will be growing after my death.
my fingers gingerly crossed themselves
And my wedding band
My fragile hand
Fell back motionless.

The rain criss crossed the moon
Countless times that night
Light and bright
Made the holy sign
Slanted lines
And the wind
and the wind
and the wind
It became the great hollow of my mind.

She cried tears in her sleep
Her unborn child was kicking deep
And deep inside the house
In the small hours of the
dark morning
I fell into
my forever sleep.

Canker

I'm in the middle of a river
And I'm trying to swim upstream
I m in a flash flood of motion
I am in a moment of dream

The current is carrying my body
My mind wants to flow upstream
The current is stronger than spirit
My soul gently intervenes

My soul says to float with the body
My soul says to go with the flow
My soul says even to nowhere
God's created a path, so go.

Paved with love and intentions
Paved with the passage of time
The bed of the river feels cold so
I want to sink into the muddied slime

Give my heart a break lord
Keep me from going insane
Take my heart and mould it
It knows not how to feign

Lord give me a plastic heart
An unicameral techie brain
Love is not an anecdote
To a lifetime of pain.

I am sinking in a fast flowing river
I am starting to feel again
How happily sheds flower its petals
When attacked by gentle rain

I am falling in love with this nowhere
Iam falling in love with now-here,
I am passing by streams of emotions
Bypassing all pain all fear.

I am in the search of fresh waters
I am parsing the chimera of soul
The sound of silent sunburst
Over skyful of clouded gold.

In this merrymaking this heartbreaking this joyful seeking
I am seared amazed by my search
For a life that's right by my side...
Swinging to the tune I'm faking...
A life in the palm of my eyes.

A joyride isn't a journey
The fortune teller misread or
Lied.
A life that hides
In plain sight...a true story
Not a tale from the twelfth Night.

Blind love set my stony sight
The worm in the apple chewed delight
And rot and canker is my keep
If I allow stone eyes to weep.

Can't Have You

I can't I won't I haven't
erased you.
A line of steadfast tears
Follow you single file
My pain has been inked into
Pages and pages of poetry.

I lose the weight of my grief
By losing control
By losing my temper
I speak my mind
Not my heart
When I rant but I have reached
The ends of my patience
In truth
Patience isn't my virtue
But good faith.

O dear god it runs to the ends of the earth and
Still sees you in the sunset
And the stars are throwing you a party upstairs...
The Angels are singing hosannas
And a poor grief stricken...
What more shall I say?

I cannot even run away from meeting my love.
love writes itself into
Me.

The Secret Diary of a Suicide

Please don't be frightened my friends. ..I am not about to kill myself...I want to enter that state of mind ...

Secret Diary of a Suicide

In the event of my death
Too early for my age
If I am not there for you
Still will you be my friend?

Will I still rate a kiss a hug
Even if it's on your page
An In Memorium a tear a sigh
For its slaughter on the stage

Like a whistle I blew for a while
The scent of the wind pleasantly mild
Blew hard then such vicious gale
Off course I went and I won't tell this tale

Do you know why I end this life
Why I choose not to rage the dying light
My early focus has blurred my vision
So now I am ugly to my sight

And do say you will wipe my eyes
by opening your own and discarding lies
For I hadn't the strength I must admit
The wilful sins of omissions I commit

I forgo my right to brave it all
Dwarfed by adversity I don't stand tall
I am wild and willing and wooing forgetting that all I am really doing

In that secret diary of
My Soul
Where I cannot hide but tell it all
I stab my stability and bleed to death...
And Now
I kill to escape my ordained fate.

An acknowledgement to Dylan Marlais Thomas...borrowed from a phrase, "....rage against the dying of the light" from his poem
"Do Not Go Gentle Into The Good Night"

Monkey

A monkey attacked me last night
I was already down on the ground
Small and ferociously toothy
It snatched my leopard print scarf off my throat and took my bag of treats in its folds.

I was shocked not afraid
I tried holding onto both

The monkey was strangely strong
And curiously strange
It preferred my scarf over the sweet and that
I wouldn't let go
I loved each spot on it
Well earned for years of waiting
Quenched my thirst for tears
Throwing dried eyed fits in
The washroom
The monkey felt
My fingers like jelly
And gnashed its evil teeth in a knowing grin
My scarf was gone
But in infinitesimal heartbeat truth
I knew I had let it go
I wasn't strong enough this time
To get off the mud puddles
I lay crouched down
Hugging my cheeks
To dirt and made love
to mud with tears.

The monkey knew no pity
The sum of all my fears
Was my errors magnifying
Themselves
Or that monkey would be back again
Clawing my throat away

Throat constricted thoughts welled up from guts to brain
Made me stand up
On two wobbly feet again.

If I crash and burn
Smash like china
That cannot be mended
There's no pity.

But if I sit pretty on grandmother's shelf.
Family heirloom
Ornate collection of precious doom
The tormenting monkey
He knows my name.
Failure
The scent of my game.

It Was

It was raining hard that night and as each drop pelted on the leaves
It carried your thoughts
Streaming in the rain storm
To my sleeping mind...

Oh yes, I admit I thought how you were faring
So fragile so old
Surely feeling cold
Frightening that no one may hear you call
From the hut they segregated you in...

Your voice far too feeble a wisp of a croak
Your eyes two shining tears unthawed
The pain of being violently cast aside
Writ upon the bent and borrowed frame from time.

I sat at your feet after touching your gnarled and dirty nails.
I remembered once upon a wedding day...
How strong graceful and agile
How necessity and utility defines values in our lives.

And I heard elders chant in your ears
Now's a good time Go to God my dear
I'm sure even the devil would have found it unkind
To rub death wound to dying mind.

The night you stayed your last with such loving kin
In that lonesome room they caged you in
I slept far away hugging my pregnant dreams
And in the falling rain
Heard your tears scream
Are you cold my mind asked
The moon whispered that too shall pass
Ice cold maiden brides we gather
When daughter wife or mother
Would rather
Have you passover...
passover ....
Passover
...
I wouldn't know what you heard in the breeze
What caused by and by all pain to cease
My unborn child too shall perhaps never know
Two gnarled arms and a gentle strength to grow...

The arc has passed away of your life.
A tearful tangent meeting mine
A new arc begins within
All These paths have crossed sometime. ..

I Wonder

If I could be a flower
And you could pick the hue
I wonder if you would want me to
Be the deepest shade of blue.

If I could be your humming bird
And you my song could choose
I wonder would you pick a song
That crooned the deepest blues.

If I could have a perching place upon two shoulders broad
I wonder how far would you want me to fly
Across miles of deep blue roads.

In your heart I find my resting place
A quiet peaceful abiding space
A few simple moments of love and grace
With you my heart in secret stays.

In the windows of love's lonesome room
My spirit threaded upon the loom
Sit I like spinner weaving dreams
So my love won't escape the seams

And none but you and I shall know
How your caring made me grow
Care is a beast of burden that rides me slow
down down down the safety line
Into waters of deepest blue..
I go.

I cannot calculate degree
Or quantify my love for thee
Me thinks such calculations
Only calculates my grave for me.

I'm a song unsung a smile undone
I am used to wordless lines
I will never have set designs
My tapestry every shade of wine

everyday I miss you a bit
Till missing becomes dead habit
The sun will rise above the trees
As sure as you'll wing away from me.

Thursday, October 09, 2014

Love Is

Love is not

Arrangement of convenience,

A contracted alliance,

Social institution giving licence

Between two people, with

A tribal clannish

Pull for family.

Love is not

Dependence

Or dominion

Love is not

Attraction

Physical lust

Sapiosexual trust

Random affair

Or pas de deux of

Intellectual flirts

Love is not

Mercy

Charity

Pity.

Love is

Indefinite meeting

An universe in two minds,

Love is not

Between lovers alone.

Empathy involves

Burden sharing

Problem solving

Evolves it

Love is

At first sight,

Foresight,

At second sight

It is

Rendezvous with

A divine stranger

An intimacy surpassing

Common shared goals

And life choices.

Love is

Blessed beyond knowing

Truest bliss you may know

As human.

Love is

Poem for living

With all

Without blame

Guilt, pain.

Love excludes

Exclusion.

Love is

Painting of life

In myriad rainbows

Expressing everyone’s

Imagination.

Love is

Mine

And

Yours

Defined only as

Supreme harmony.

The struggle

The obstacles

Overcome

Are the cost.

Love’s price

Is lost, insubstantial

Worth subsumed,

When we embrace.

October 9, 2014

Saturday, September 27, 2014

I Am....Torn

I Am....

One life.
On the floor of wayward emotions
I die.

One life.
Towards the ceilinged glass of frozen truth-
I stare
At lies.

One life.
I cannot lie.

Not on this sinking bed of beottted bottled up love
Not on the static truth that you command

I see beyond, the neat border lines of truth are wavering
Sunlight in the cracks
the lintels shake
the cornices crumbling

Walls are burning
To let light in

I am...
A body of sustainence.
A sustained cell...
A vessel of my own deliverance
In mysterious containment. ..
Choosing to let go
A certainty

That I alone
Am me.

Holding on to
A truth Invisible
Invitations
To an
Unknown me.

I am quintessence of infinite nonchalance
Making
Stretching
Marking
Its own eternity. ..

I am...
Hopeful caring prayer...
Unashamed remorseful apology
I do my own damage control
and recovery
Everyday daring fate and snatching love out of its clutch dressed in lightness grace and honesty.

The Wrists of Light....and Pain

The wrists of Light and pain...inspired by you
Ruma Chakravarti ..from your line "If she slashed her wrists with a pen"

Wrists of Light.

Cocoons. ...dreams within
Dreams...
Yet another wonderland visit.
Brief...
The usual suspects...
Customized...Joys
Detest them now.

Then...a portal swung open.
Wonders within wonderland.
Not the Disney version.
Just an alternate soulscape.

I was dancing.
Uplifted arms....ushering
slender wrists of sunlight
Playing through meadow in a breeze
Bold strokes
Fingers of gold upon green.

And playing my hollowed wrists like strings of violins
My blood throbbed
My wrists glowed translucent
Reflections of blood coursing
Through
Made soul...dance to
memories
Of
Countless suns showering particles of joy upon each conscious cell
In
Cornucopias of merriment

dancing my wrists free of pain...
Love Transacted through air....
Tossing turning....elegant
Mudras
Melting dismissing banishing
care!

Feet tottering
Breath bursting in short gasps
Heady feelings
I couldn't stop
Laughing. ..

Life was a do it yourself
Physician heal thy self
A living room the mind
Make it habitable
Add interest, not pretentious objet d'arts
Keep a comfortable couch
to recline and rest
cushions of coziness
Mats of solace
And a seat for a visitor or two
Any more
And tete a tete and small talk
Will make a babel...
Any meaning?
Forgotten.

A rise of love in that empty chest. ..for forsaken self.
Make yourself
A treasure to share.

A morning well spent
Searching inner moorings...

Children... dutiful dances....paper boats and rail tracks....soon...I was digging sand in the park as gleefully as both of them.

By sunset the dance was on the floor...
Elemental...the partnership invisible
Within me stormy surges
Of nature's elemental music
...none could see who
Twirled me or whose footsteps led...
Each step impromptu. ..
Choreographed by oceans winds sands....and gentle drops of rain.

My days are numbered in beauty
Though I count not the cost of calender
Each day I date my duties
Living them in love.

I was never lost
For
My space was infinite...God given freedom of movement. ..

Allegro fortessimo
Or slow waltz
When my number came. ..I was
Ready....
Every limit to be broken.

Life isn't this bickering in crowds of lost faces search for places
listless spaces...of loneliness
Shackled to
A clamping down togetherness grating hurting...

So pretty my light from windowed veins
Each cell in a frolicsome merrymaking...child never ending ...
Ever replicating itself.

Soul searches itself in atoms of
Being...in silvery silence.

The moon teases us a moist silver dollar
Treasure hunts are best conducted in solitude
Go in peace that came in peace
Not with soul mate prefabricated
But with the only companion....
Courage...
Be Lion hearted.

Do it Yourself. ...
Your Dance...
Your Life.

The choreography of existence
Cocooned in our mystic molecules
Magically the shell unveils ...unveils...
Disrobes...Revels...

Pain is a kiss blown to four winds and gone
The years are all redolent yesterdays

And Now reveals
An exquisite dancer
Amidst fields of fancy.

Fleeting evanescence of
Butterflies dreams
Lifetimes of
Life...
In one moment.

Flatbeds of Fear

Title taken fom a Line from kids cartoons Thomas The Engine which they're playing ad infinitum! :)

Flatbeds of Fear

Love died.
Flushing red blood on glowing oven of evening sky

Black Satin night...with criss cross of stars connecting its seams arrived.

I finished up at work...and passed the world and its wife....
Trudging by sellers of peanuts and fries....

My journey started....as sun set...but after a metro ride...
A change of bus....it was silent night...

Walking insane through a road to solitude.
My flat was a well through which I sank into the depths of solitude.
My soul declining its claim of comfort as well disguised terror.

Completely alone I cooked an indifferent dinner.
Television flipped on...I cruised unreal worlds...
While my mind whimpered upon
My own...
Flatbed of fear.

I dreaded lying down....
The windows blind folded with heavy drapes
The naked mirror flaunting itself
Carefully woven projections lost
Their threads in its inner gaze... undid my fragile sheath
With puff of derision.

I washed scanty dishes...
Basin gurgling like a monster gobble you whole.....
Tears rinsing down my cheeks and the silver tap tossing back my comical face at me...
All nose....in cylindrical vision.

I have no addictions ..no serious friends who will come and get me...
I'm condemned to chamber of terrors...
Dreams of Full houses
and Friends...and Televised
haunts of happiness.

Life is a haunting temptation
of flavors....of unknown.

But I will not think
Anymore. ..
Till tomorrow at work....setting squirrels to gather nuts...
Deducing questions to drive students nuts...and killing my self
When I had rather scribble poetry.

Meanwhile
The bedroom door is sentient
Inviting me like a lover Room 1408...
Flatbeds of Fear. ..
Upon which I
Nightly rest.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Monday, October 13, 2014

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Thursday, October 09, 2014

Saturday, September 27, 2014

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