Akshara: October 2014

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Bailamos

Let the rhythm take you over bailamos
I am a dancing doll
Rocking against my shadow on the wall to the rhythm
Of bailamos

I am a dainty figurine
I am the most beautiful mannequin
I am the dancing queen
With grace in my blood and bones
Grace in my face my heart my breasts

I make my hands like ocean waves
I prance like a peacock
Sway like a snake
Strut like a swan
And tap my feet I am
A puppet, a pet
A coquette, a flirt, a tease
A seductress of ease
A Helen no less.
A luxurious love goddess
An apsara in the hall of heaven
Fell
To become a geisha for a king
I am mad in my passion to please
A rag doll on a kite string
I can fly you for free
Only if it pleases me
I can bar the door
I can be the regal courtesan
Or more

I am wild with desire
I race across the floor
And leap into arms of
Imagination

I defy folklore
I open my own doors
I project no shame
I protest no pain
I boast my fame
An epicurean evermore.

I pirouette and elongate
I bend and I bow and I nearly almost break

Then I rise in my art
My dance is my spirit and
Heart
I speak to you, you and -
You only you, do not know
This silent secret dance I do.

Monday, October 13, 2014

The Illuminated God

If I could talk to God,
Dial direct,
Call him nights I cannot sleep but rise like a thirsty animal
A creature of creative instinct
for a lifegiving drink....

I would have asked him...
Dear God...
Was this world created through your grace?
Or Are you, God,
The ultimate evolutionary expression of this universe
To the point
Where universe
Becomes the spoken word
The unconcious verse
Of your concious directing
Thoughts?

If so,
If Space and Time
Are serendipitous
Accidents
Flawlessly designed
From chaos

Carved out of
Infinite Probability...

Till...
You....
Happened...

As inevitability. ...
Of infinite statistical
Possibilities

Then
Your Magnificence
Is
A Million
a trillion times
More attractive
More deserving
Of homage...
As a Lighthouse
Beckoning us all to a tower
Of Hope. ..

Not Obsequience...
Nor our efforts to reach up
Frowned upon
Like Towering Babel...

So much more
Power to your
Almighty elbow
Than
Predetermined Omnipotence. ..

If truly
You evolved...
By reaching your cosmic mind accross Time and Space
Breaching the mysteries
And curved it with the ease
Of your superlative
Illumination...

If Thought
Speeding through vaccum
Instantaneously
Serenely laughed out at
Light
As a mere. ..teenager
An immature show off
An young angel
Lucifer!

A fall forgiven
Restored to grace...

Such mercy
That begets mercy
Such love that it
Self starts
The heart of creation
Everywhere. ...
In simultaneity!

Dear God
We pray
That we also may

Wrap up this continuum
in the ease of realization
equalling
Reality.

Dear God....
Are you not telling us
This?

Rise
Son of man
Embrace light
Shake away
Illusions
Of speed....
Or need to
Either
Shock and Awe
Or humbly please.

Breathe
In...and
Out.

Release...
Realize...
Your Mind
Is
Potent Godhood
And Liberated transcends
Light.

It becomes
It's own lightning conductor...
Draining negativity...through
Effortless pulsing black holes...
Sucking out
False belief...
And remembering
Dance of cosmic dreams
At
Eternal Event Horrizons
Of Life. ..
Petrified
Present tense of
Poetry...

Then our truest
Worship
Is
Recognition.

Godhood is our
Ubiquitous
Inner Presence.

Control
Is
Obsolescence. .

I kneel then..
And worship
Thee...
extant
In dormancy...
Within the
Me...

And in the still of the
Silent night
The pulse
Of the universe thuds
Your Godhood
sounding
Conch shells
Of infinite peace...
Infinite bliss...
The supra addition
Of every number
The universe codes in
A
Certitude
Beyond
Belief
In
Cosmic unspoken
Chant.....
OM.....

Durga

It was a soft fall morning

Meltingly pliant between sun and shade

The air was a cool caress on my face

I weaved my way to make an offering

at the sanctum sanctorum of Goddess Mother

Durga.....

The golden rays caressed the bamboo platform,

A makeshift hut dressed in colourful cloth of

Blues and white.

The doorway was a darkness

That beckoned in silence,

To rest and air troubled thoughts.

Gathered my courage

Said my prayer at the altar,

Looked at her as long as I could,

golden visaged and black doe eyes,

And pouting cupids bow for lips.

Her nose stud glimmered invitations

Not motherly...

But a challenging living devotion.

Love me!

I am a challenge, a construct,

To meet every male divination

Of divinity.

I stand as ultimate weapon

Shielding the Gods and

Humanity.

Regally radiant she stood.

I bowed in devotion

Stirred up my emotions

Played with my mind awhile.

My heart was compliant,

I wasn’t defiant,

Yet I doubted the efficacy

Of mass prayer

Public show,

Published adoration.

But

In a fell moment swooping

And scooping me

The tempo of drumming

Undid me with a gaiety,

I garlanded her with

All my latent spirituality.

I felt the priests incantations

Reaching vaults of heaven.

With each resounding echo,

Of all fellow worshippers

Resonance bridged despair

And doubts.

The drummer's momentum

Accelerated

The sonorous hum of

chants

invoking her spirit,

Into new resolutions,

Personal windows of morality,

And nooks and crannies of all

Our lost inheritance.

Traditions pittance

Were filled overflowing,

Copiously Grace was bestowed

With flowers flung in abundance

At her feet...

In Beauty she adorned me.

In wealth she sated me.

In Strength she won me.

Devi....

Be Seated in my restless heart

Awhile.

Footnote: Fall is the season of worship of the mother goddess Durga and her destruction of evil in the guise of a demon, All over India, in different forms, Navratris. nine holy nights, in North India, Durga Puja in my city Calcutta and Mysore in South India....Also the victory of Lord Rama the epitome of good king over Demon king...The goddess was created and imbued with the strengths of all the male Gods when they could not defeat the demon themselves. She is the ultimate feminine icon of strength, worshipped annually in October, a bit of our Indian lore as foreground to my poem.

Baby...

My frisky babies my pesky babies
Hiding behind the sofa...
Biding their time
Leaping out at mamma
My lovely babies
My lively goblins
Mamma is also marking time...
Stay safe,
and adorable ones,
Though I keep complaining
grow up already
Take your time...
Maturing like vintage wine
To a ripe old age
Preserve the flavors of younger days
Of sunshine hiding in darkest corners...and shadows of divinity. ...in fresh hearts and minds.

Your laughter melting off the walls ...painting them creamy with delight...peeling away flakes of dirty sadness
From hidden corners of my hopeless mind
The air I breath
Is crisp with your alert eagerness...my younger days relived
My pace briskly apes your joyous haste
And every nook and cranny of my house is soft with love and delicious with abundant Innocence.

I'm bouncing on a luxurious trampoline of tons of toys
A veritable gala of untidyness
Constantly amazed!
By your untiring efficiency in making a mess....

Till bedtime...
And I am not marking time anymore
The heartbeat of my house quietens
to a whisper
And is more alive...than
Before. ....

Your relentless expectations of
Storyville...
Drive me insane...
Then...

My raucous babies...cooing and chuckling in chunks of merriment..
Gurgle pleas
"Maaammma ? Is it very laate?
Is it time to say Gooood night?
Cant you wait?"

Yes....babies....
It is Very Late!

And yes ...babies
Mamma will always wait....
If it takes an eternity
Or...more
Mammas,
They like to defy fate.

Now to bed!
And while you sleep...mamma shall spin on her wistful mental loom
Threading and looping her loving heartstrings
...hoping dreaming wishing
Praying.....
Your awesome vibrant future in.

I Am

I Am....

I am. ...torn
My tendons and ligaments of faith
Outstretched
Tender swollen
Within me is an outpouring
Dammed.
The seals...allow closure
The cracks allow memory
To relive heart hollowing
Moments
When I couldn't even ask myself
My selfishness
To offer resistance.

I am...
So happy simmering in a bubbly pool of sunshining happiness
A gladness for warmth
A just right feeling
Listening to the music of
Child talk...
Crescendos of joy rising innocence
Raised into wilderness

I am...
Vaccilations
Between necessary and real
The Reality is that I am leading this life....
Livid with fears...timidly following footsteps of expectations.
Necessity is Neverland hopes
And dreams
That won't die
Unless I go along with them
Taking me at the flood
Of my expectations
Of my own
Self.

One life.
On the floor of wayward emotions
I die.

One life.
Towards the ceilinged glass of frozen truth-
I stare
At lies.

One life.
I cannot lie.

Not on this sinking bed of beottted bottled up love
Not on the static truth that you command

I see beyond, the neat border lines of truth are wavering
Sunlight in the cracks
the lintels shake
the cornices crumbling

Walls are burning
To let light in

I am...
A body of sustainence.
A sustained cell...
A vessel of my own deliverance
In mysterious containment. ..
Choosing to let go
A certainty

That I alone
Am me.

Holding on to
A truth Invisible
Invitations
To an
Unknown me.

I am...
A glowing sigh in the libertine breeze
Weaving wistfully through
exotic leaves of faraway trees
A chanson
Sung by sunflowers in fields of glee
Saluting Troubadours marching
In wilful opposition
To marionettes of fate

I am quintessence of infinite nonchalance
Making
Stretching
Marking
Its own eternity. ..

I am...
Hopeful caring prayer...
Unashamed remorseful apology
I do my own damage control
and recovery
Everyday daring fate and snatching love out of its clutch dressed in lightness grace and honesty.

Dawn

It was a great time to wake
Barely 5 a.m and I was up
The air was cool and skies stood still and dark as I shivered on the verandah...

As I watched and listened in a drowsy haze
Vision clarified and the morning was gathered into my senses...

The birds yet to begin their chirping...
Light yet to feather the horrizon
With hope
The Sun yet to father a new day
On Earth's receptive soil.

A stillness pervaded except the sonorous sounds of prayers at some faraway mosque
Exquisite repentance and lamentations of sins to Allah
In a great surrender.

The universe seemed to resound in a turmoil of grief at so much evil...
Calmed only by tremulous submission. ..

Every relegion so brave in the surrender to piety
composure in the face of grievous injustice...

Something .....something there to learn from all of this...
A grace to be garnered to the rosary of experience

In the thistle crown of misery worn bravely lies a glorious
Wreath of victory over every abomination done...
No monstrosity beyond our forgiveness
Or His

Not by mouthing cants or words of repentance
Nor by blind submission
But a wilful belief in his greater Glory
By which we are cleansed and absolved....
To realize
Our lives are for Evermore.

Beyond this mutilating yet mitigating darkness and above all dawns...

There lies only Truth.....such a dazzling brilliant
ONE....
No one can refute or prove
And each must come to it
In his own little boat
Rowed accross the river of
Time

My mind heard a Gayatri Mantra
And my eyes saw a great cross spanning the sky with lucent stars
And slowly it whirred and swung to encompass horrizons
Darkness emanated from each angular arm and contained and controlled...as
It spun.

I think the sky was a breaking breathing light. ...
and the sun was a laughing Buddha of merriment
At the night
And
The tears glistening in my eyes.

I heard then
At that very instant of space through time
The moment my flying flimsy spaceship pierced the veil
and pieced together the mystery
The Peace of all peace

A minded whisper audible over the ionosphere
chanting hymns of praise to the Sun God
Extolling eternal destruction of evil...
Burning the Beast of Sin through Brilliance

The Language of all religions....
Are only codes
To release the syntax of their cipher to our soul...

That which was...
The Dawn of existence
Shall meet it at
Dusk...
And there'll be...

No pain.
No sorrow.
No shame.
Sin the mistake erased.
The painting made beautiful
In peaceful tranquility
Every color of the prism
Revealed
And merging in
Love's white hot Brilliance.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Childhood Friends

Childhood Friends
Thanks for sharing your days my friends
When life stretched on without an end
I never had as much fun ...,as then
How well you defined the word. ..
The meaning of friend.

I learned to live to giggle to confide
To be brave and frank.
Never to hide
You broke down my walls of shyness
With your praise and trust in me ....
Friends never any better than the ones you were to me
My beautiful childhood. ..
Is a composite
A mosaic of all of you
In my memories.

Feeling Sad

Wish to acknowledge Shelley Ajeedapoet Fowler for the line "Love is an action word".

Feeling Sad

She breaks down to the extent permitted...
Possible under the laws governing motherhood
Her helpless broods will
Brooks no interference
From hapless moods

And She
Will have none of it.
Nor will she
Brook any interference
From feel good factors or folks.

She who wants just one person's steadfast devotion and thinks
he's too fast for her.

But unlove her heart she cannot nor eclipse the inexplicable pain of loving.
And watching it go by unwanted
Is painful.

Is love ever a waste?
No it just rebounds and rejuvenates the needy
if you let it.
Love is the magnet which forever seeks North
And turns iron to itself.

And so
let it she will.
Her love is too precious
To be dumped because he trashed it.

Not to be able to lavish affection on it's object
To watch him make merry with someone else is unbearable
and should be borne
with a sense of achievement.

No pain....no easing of the rain.

No joy in self punishment....but undeniable sadness
That she wasn't worthy of that
Heart stopping soul healing moment he shared with someone else.

She won't.
Overthink love. ..
"Love is an action word"
To be shown not felt.

I will not deny you in my heart.
Just because you don't have me in yours...
And you're right my love and welcome to go astray...
If in your heart I found no place to stay...

Do not stay my love.
Make memory pungent with loss
So that when it ceases
I'll know my gain.

This is all so sad...I am feeling it.
Feeling a bit better just admitting it.

And if I swore, I guess I would say damn it.

But I don't. ...Under duress
I curse no one....
Not even myself....

Life is listening for just such words as these....to harness the the force we spent...

So Life... smiling right back at you.
I am glad to make your acquaintance at any or all cost...

And oh yes...
Life...?
Glad to have met you
Without any false pretence.

Dream

You're candy flossing my lips
Melting in the mouth of anticipation powdered
Crushes sugaring crushed hopes
Coagulating my bloodstream
Corporeal Butterflies of broken dreams
Fluttering agonies of
ecstasy in deaths ethereal and ephemeral
A turbulent ocean of disturbia... memorized dreamscape
Escaping in electric waves
At dulcet intervals
Laboriously birthing a
Fantasy life
cutting its teeth on my chewed up heart
slobbered by greed
grounded by fate
and beaten and pounded into reality...
Thin and ductile malleable sheets of
Flatbread existence.

You hack it all
Machete in your machismo
Into my latent
Masochism
And I do not lament my depths
But foment submission as rebellion
Against required and repeated obesience to other
Realities.

You make rare majestic airwaves
Tingling romance
Buzzing into my besotted senses
Signals corrupted
Old codes erased
confusing the radars
Of my bearings
Locus Standi deleted.

I watch
The ground fall from
Under my feet
That I have cut away
And I am floating in free heavens
Off tangent identities
Dreams unpaginated refreshed.

I breathe fearlessly now
Oxygen of awareness
Reckless
to live in our spell
Searching the scopes of pirated happiness
Buccaneer dreams
It comes with a price, always.

And that price was paid...
in other horrific ways
In lonesome forgotten exiled
Days.

I am bathed in the sweet Sin
Of
Believing in myself

And So help me.....
Powers that be
But do not see
The dreams of men
Demons or Gods or
UberMensch.
...

Loving You

Loving You.

I am pressing my fingers thin into my palms
My worth was reduced to your alms
I revolted feeling better to let you know
How hard it is
But I must let you go
And I am so calm so composed
To the bone
My secret terror
no one's business but
My own.
I guard my own corpse
And sing my own wake
And I still smile
Brilliantly
So that you whisper
"Fake".

Yes My smile gets put on easy
like make up
sugar icing on the cake
And No ...I don't wear love like lip gloss
My loving isn't fake.

Spears

Spears are speaking tonight
Striking flesh and releasing
Inky octopus stains

Smudged hollow eyes....
No victory
Tonight is battlefield undecided
Outlet for outcomes
Undeclared
Stack of cards reshuffled
Too many jokers in the pack
And one daredevil
Wild Card.

Stasis ignited
Pyrokinetic spearhead flashing
Steel in silvery silence

I'm a bad chess player
No premeditated moves
I cannot see the lay of the land
Beforehand
And I reveal my hand palms up trustingly.

I am not child's play...
In a meaningles world ...
I act out my pain.
Motivated method in madness....

My strength isn't spatial abstraction chartered routes
But quantum leaps
I intuit therefore
My creed is dynamic belief
Not frozen faith...

In credo deum unum
But also et pluribus unum
My motto multiplicity...
The United States of Singularity.

You cannot take away a random part of me...and choose and chop me to bite sized pieces...

Take my all or not at all
I am whole in each shred I dwell
Each part carries the entire me...like it or not

splinter the temple of the soul
With word bullets
Like splintered shards of windshields

My black eyed peas of misery will reflect back dumbly
Turn left or right
Try your might
For more favorable view
But still
I am not about you
Its me....
who you have to learn to see.

Take care. ...Those shades are cool
but they carry
Reflections of a fool who gazes at you adoringly.
The you that I have in my heart
Which you can never see.

And therein
Insulated islands of our hearts are packed with irony.

I can never see you.
And you, me.

Then let's
Keep aside our spears in the sheath
For there's tears at its tips
Gleams of my hysteria
Shadows of despair
Molten lava of unspoken desires
And unspent our love, banished
To annals of History.

Drive...A Fairytale

( Acknowledge lines from the following songs:
Lift Me Up       Bruce Springsteen
Take it Easy     Eagles
You Can Do Magic   America/ Boston)

Drive...A Fairytale

Bowing pliancy
Trees on twin roadsides
Guarding my grateful adventure
In homage to the unknown
Stretching to keyhole horrizons
The end of the road unknown.

At the world's end it seemed
The trees change character
Roadside Gods and lofty guardians
Turned to twisted stumpy dwarves and monster hands outstretched
To catch my speeding self.

Gnarled wands in withered hands of wizards
Intimidating cautioning
Guarding the secret grail.

My find is reserved
The treasure is so
By definition of the hunt.

What you seek
Is only what you find.
And what you see
Isn't
What you get.

The music mystical in the breeze
Chose itself with magical ease

And two picaro lines
Flaunted my paraded fears
To face themselves
Unmasked
Somewhere on the maze
Of the merry go round brain....

Matador your bull has charged
What's your defense?

Two lines of wreckage recovered salvaged my shell
Hoisted the sails
of shipment of dreams
Making me apt vessel.

"Lift me up"...
"For we will never be here again..."
From two different songs......
They're and have been my milestones all along
They're the trail...

At the end of the world
I found the third
It worked the charm
Close to midnight on the edge of the town.
And it dismissed thevugly spells
Then the wizards revealed my lost tale.

And it told
"You can do magic Anytime...
be Anything your heart desires...Magic"

I have pulled my rabbit out of the hat and watched the white dove
Escape.
Magic has served me well
I have never been this close to loving myself.

Pain

I don't scream out with pain anymore.
I flow with it...letting it go ...taking me along.
I watch alert observant...

I don't fight pain any more
I surrender
I commiserate
I dive in deep through as many layers
As I can...
Because I know
Somewhere hidden within the necrotic layers....
Tolerance created a pearl.

I let my pain scream and howl if it needs
If it wants drama I give it a spectacular scene
And no I am not watching from the wings anymore

I am Here I am
In the moment now
I am the wound opening up to you

And as you see me tear and claw my leaden soul
Shivering dead to the bone
At the futile scratch of nails
On metallic chest
my heart shredded with the papyrus pain
A bed of livid writes
drowning my head
The scalding thoughts decomposing my face

But -
I am not dead yet.
In mourning grieving.....
This Pain needs a soothing ride
And masters touch will break it in
tottering home
In relieved dreams.

This Pain
Demands a hearse
Pallbearers and wake
And no
I don't deny you
A State funeral
I owe you so much.

But
There's a master switch a silent whip a wand
And with a light touch and a swish and without flourish
When its dead and done
Pain and I.
We will bring the curtains down.

Pain
co creator and author
Thank you very much.

Tears Wipe Themselves

Tears wipe themselves
They refuse to shed their bliss the memes of my soul uplifted
disembodied granules hope despair joy and sorrow
unspoken unspent ocean drowning in the tea cup of continuity
Time tensed to tumbling
Moment
waterfalls
Inertia of deep freeze.

And a moment of truth
Embedded
Cold hard crystal chip
Packed wonderlore
Wobbly core
Flash frozen instances of instinctive self preservation.

Trying hard not to be dissolved
In my imminent tears
Threatening
This is not for drowning.

I will watch over this witches brew my lashes released in dreamy sleeplessness.

Quell
Quiet quotes flow...soft and ominous quartrains nursing drowsiness
Clipped couplets conjoining decisions
Setting up links and patterns
Welcome
to the establishment.

Recliner chair
Easy afternoon flow
Breezy madrigals sonnets
Thick lashes and swirls of contentment
But I watch the bubbles pop out one by one
And I am left with only me again.

And I am smiling.
Willy nilly words come in sleep.
I am not even writing.
But words are waiting to write down meticulously
drumbeats of my playful soul.
Percussive rhythms sent by ether
Great percussionist extraordinaire.
Quill them down
Now.
Nothing can kill you.
But a word
You survive
Is another world you can live on.

Cream floats icing life in soft sweet
Nothings.
frothy dissolution
Sip sweet milkshake life.
Sweet salad bowl
Existence.
Watery graves.
But send down feeler straws deep inside.
Find out
bed beneath the ocean.
Wipe away that uncouth mustache of untidiness.

The penultimate cost of tears
Is brilliant clarity.

The Night Before I Died

Have you seen your own eyes
Floating
Filled with silver yearnings captured off that moon
The wind blew so cold
The constant drizzling splattered the leaves
My unborn great grandson
May have heard it too
In my great daughter in law's womb.

I like that thought it comforts me
The new life I will never see
We shared a last song
Duet earth sang to heaven's teardrops falling.

My bed was a lonely place
And loneliness isn't absences
Of beloved dearly departeds
But presences alive in the mind
Relentless Remembrances.

The cool breeze stroked my cheeks sucked the air out of my nostrils.
My world went weak.
My blood was cold as ice and the last moon that I would see
Seemed a snowy haired woman
Waiting to get me.

I am coming my mother
My moon mother my god mother
My she devil ancestresses
My life flows out strings and tendrils to nights long black tresses.

And he screamed.
In the womb my unborn descendant dreaming saw the lonely dawn
The cold bleak dawn
Another rainy morn
And a lonely line of his tearful
Elders
Paying respects.

I surveyed my room.
As space and time flying out of my reach.
My hands felt my bed
And the rosary slipped
The beads tightlipped
Clattering
Two hands prayed
God lift thine
And Hold mine
Show me where I'm going instead.

My nails crescent white moons
Glowed.
They will be growing after my death.
my fingers gingerly crossed themselves
And my wedding band
My fragile hand
Fell back motionless.

The rain criss crossed the moon
Countless times that night
Light and bright
Made the holy sign
Slanted lines
And the wind
and the wind
and the wind
It became the great hollow of my mind.

She cried tears in her sleep
Her unborn child was kicking deep
And deep inside the house
In the small hours of the
dark morning
I fell into
my forever sleep.

Canker

I'm in the middle of a river
And I'm trying to swim upstream
I m in a flash flood of motion
I am in a moment of dream

The current is carrying my body
My mind wants to flow upstream
The current is stronger than spirit
My soul gently intervenes

My soul says to float with the body
My soul says to go with the flow
My soul says even to nowhere
God's created a path, so go.

Paved with love and intentions
Paved with the passage of time
The bed of the river feels cold so
I want to sink into the muddied slime

Give my heart a break lord
Keep me from going insane
Take my heart and mould it
It knows not how to feign

Lord give me a plastic heart
An unicameral techie brain
Love is not an anecdote
To a lifetime of pain.

I am sinking in a fast flowing river
I am starting to feel again
How happily sheds flower its petals
When attacked by gentle rain

I am falling in love with this nowhere
Iam falling in love with now-here,
I am passing by streams of emotions
Bypassing all pain all fear.

I am in the search of fresh waters
I am parsing the chimera of soul
The sound of silent sunburst
Over skyful of clouded gold.

In this merrymaking this heartbreaking this joyful seeking
I am seared amazed by my search
For a life that's right by my side...
Swinging to the tune I'm faking...
A life in the palm of my eyes.

A joyride isn't a journey
The fortune teller misread or
Lied.
A life that hides
In plain sight...a true story
Not a tale from the twelfth Night.

Blind love set my stony sight
The worm in the apple chewed delight
And rot and canker is my keep
If I allow stone eyes to weep.

Can't Have You

I can't I won't I haven't
erased you.
A line of steadfast tears
Follow you single file
My pain has been inked into
Pages and pages of poetry.

I lose the weight of my grief
By losing control
By losing my temper
I speak my mind
Not my heart
When I rant but I have reached
The ends of my patience
In truth
Patience isn't my virtue
But good faith.

O dear god it runs to the ends of the earth and
Still sees you in the sunset
And the stars are throwing you a party upstairs...
The Angels are singing hosannas
And a poor grief stricken...
What more shall I say?

I cannot even run away from meeting my love.
love writes itself into
Me.

The Secret Diary of a Suicide

Please don't be frightened my friends. ..I am not about to kill myself...I want to enter that state of mind ...

Secret Diary of a Suicide

In the event of my death
Too early for my age
If I am not there for you
Still will you be my friend?

Will I still rate a kiss a hug
Even if it's on your page
An In Memorium a tear a sigh
For its slaughter on the stage

Like a whistle I blew for a while
The scent of the wind pleasantly mild
Blew hard then such vicious gale
Off course I went and I won't tell this tale

Do you know why I end this life
Why I choose not to rage the dying light
My early focus has blurred my vision
So now I am ugly to my sight

And do say you will wipe my eyes
by opening your own and discarding lies
For I hadn't the strength I must admit
The wilful sins of omissions I commit

I forgo my right to brave it all
Dwarfed by adversity I don't stand tall
I am wild and willing and wooing forgetting that all I am really doing

In that secret diary of
My Soul
Where I cannot hide but tell it all
I stab my stability and bleed to death...
And Now
I kill to escape my ordained fate.

An acknowledgement to Dylan Marlais Thomas...borrowed from a phrase, "....rage against the dying of the light" from his poem
"Do Not Go Gentle Into The Good Night"

Monkey

A monkey attacked me last night
I was already down on the ground
Small and ferociously toothy
It snatched my leopard print scarf off my throat and took my bag of treats in its folds.

I was shocked not afraid
I tried holding onto both

The monkey was strangely strong
And curiously strange
It preferred my scarf over the sweet and that
I wouldn't let go
I loved each spot on it
Well earned for years of waiting
Quenched my thirst for tears
Throwing dried eyed fits in
The washroom
The monkey felt
My fingers like jelly
And gnashed its evil teeth in a knowing grin
My scarf was gone
But in infinitesimal heartbeat truth
I knew I had let it go
I wasn't strong enough this time
To get off the mud puddles
I lay crouched down
Hugging my cheeks
To dirt and made love
to mud with tears.

The monkey knew no pity
The sum of all my fears
Was my errors magnifying
Themselves
Or that monkey would be back again
Clawing my throat away

Throat constricted thoughts welled up from guts to brain
Made me stand up
On two wobbly feet again.

If I crash and burn
Smash like china
That cannot be mended
There's no pity.

But if I sit pretty on grandmother's shelf.
Family heirloom
Ornate collection of precious doom
The tormenting monkey
He knows my name.
Failure
The scent of my game.

It Was

It was raining hard that night and as each drop pelted on the leaves
It carried your thoughts
Streaming in the rain storm
To my sleeping mind...

Oh yes, I admit I thought how you were faring
So fragile so old
Surely feeling cold
Frightening that no one may hear you call
From the hut they segregated you in...

Your voice far too feeble a wisp of a croak
Your eyes two shining tears unthawed
The pain of being violently cast aside
Writ upon the bent and borrowed frame from time.

I sat at your feet after touching your gnarled and dirty nails.
I remembered once upon a wedding day...
How strong graceful and agile
How necessity and utility defines values in our lives.

And I heard elders chant in your ears
Now's a good time Go to God my dear
I'm sure even the devil would have found it unkind
To rub death wound to dying mind.

The night you stayed your last with such loving kin
In that lonesome room they caged you in
I slept far away hugging my pregnant dreams
And in the falling rain
Heard your tears scream
Are you cold my mind asked
The moon whispered that too shall pass
Ice cold maiden brides we gather
When daughter wife or mother
Would rather
Have you passover...
passover ....
Passover
...
I wouldn't know what you heard in the breeze
What caused by and by all pain to cease
My unborn child too shall perhaps never know
Two gnarled arms and a gentle strength to grow...

The arc has passed away of your life.
A tearful tangent meeting mine
A new arc begins within
All These paths have crossed sometime. ..

I Wonder

If I could be a flower
And you could pick the hue
I wonder if you would want me to
Be the deepest shade of blue.

If I could be your humming bird
And you my song could choose
I wonder would you pick a song
That crooned the deepest blues.

If I could have a perching place upon two shoulders broad
I wonder how far would you want me to fly
Across miles of deep blue roads.

In your heart I find my resting place
A quiet peaceful abiding space
A few simple moments of love and grace
With you my heart in secret stays.

In the windows of love's lonesome room
My spirit threaded upon the loom
Sit I like spinner weaving dreams
So my love won't escape the seams

And none but you and I shall know
How your caring made me grow
Care is a beast of burden that rides me slow
down down down the safety line
Into waters of deepest blue..
I go.

I cannot calculate degree
Or quantify my love for thee
Me thinks such calculations
Only calculates my grave for me.

I'm a song unsung a smile undone
I am used to wordless lines
I will never have set designs
My tapestry every shade of wine

everyday I miss you a bit
Till missing becomes dead habit
The sun will rise above the trees
As sure as you'll wing away from me.

Thursday, October 09, 2014

Love Is

Love is not

Arrangement of convenience,

A contracted alliance,

Social institution giving licence

Between two people, with

A tribal clannish

Pull for family.

Love is not

Dependence

Or dominion

Love is not

Attraction

Physical lust

Sapiosexual trust

Random affair

Or pas de deux of

Intellectual flirts

Love is not

Mercy

Charity

Pity.

Love is

Indefinite meeting

An universe in two minds,

Love is not

Between lovers alone.

Empathy involves

Burden sharing

Problem solving

Evolves it

Love is

At first sight,

Foresight,

At second sight

It is

Rendezvous with

A divine stranger

An intimacy surpassing

Common shared goals

And life choices.

Love is

Blessed beyond knowing

Truest bliss you may know

As human.

Love is

Poem for living

With all

Without blame

Guilt, pain.

Love excludes

Exclusion.

Love is

Painting of life

In myriad rainbows

Expressing everyone’s

Imagination.

Love is

Mine

And

Yours

Defined only as

Supreme harmony.

The struggle

The obstacles

Overcome

Are the cost.

Love’s price

Is lost, insubstantial

Worth subsumed,

When we embrace.

October 9, 2014

Akshara

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Bailamos

Monday, October 13, 2014

The Illuminated God

Durga

Baby...

I Am

Dawn

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Childhood Friends

Feeling Sad

Dream

Loving You

Spears

Drive...A Fairytale

Pain

Tears Wipe Themselves

The Night Before I Died

Canker

Can't Have You

The Secret Diary of a Suicide

Monkey

It Was

I Wonder

Thursday, October 09, 2014

Love Is

Blog Archive

About Me